I have been meaning to write a blog post about this for ages, but with the craziness of the last few months, I haven’t had a chance to write it. I was already going to ages ago, but some recent discussions with friends have made me feel like I need to say something.
It’s actually really embarrassing. And it shouldn’t be. I can talk openly about so many things. My depression and how Cymbalta has changed my life. My health and weight gain and thyroid/hormone problems and pour my heart out… and yet, because of ridiculous, baseless stigma, I am embarrassed to talk about it.
A year ago, I was diagnosed with ADD. It was such a life-changing, paradigm-shifting moment in my life – to realise that I was not lazy, or flawed, or neurotic – I just process information differently to other people around me. It’s embarrassing because so many people think (for better or worse) that ADD/ADHD is not real… or that those “true” ADD people are low achieving, wall & furniture climbing, jittery messes.
Some are. In fact, many of them are. 40% of kids with ADHD have a concurrent learning disorder. It is usually these – the boys – the furniture-jumping, skin crawling, acting out at school kids that get the most attention. It is also the predominant reason why kids who act out are mis/over diagnosed.
I was actually someone who did not believe that ADHD was a real problem. I too had a stereotype in my head of a bad parent failing to discipline their kids, using drugs as a convenience, failing to get to the bottom of the kids problems. It’s a stereotype that most people hold, and it’s often why so many kids are over-diagnosed – and a whole other subset of kids are under-diagnosed.
ADD often manifests differently in girls. They fit into the Inattentive subtype. Most of them are not hyperactive or fidgety. Many of them are not only not struggling, but are actually very intelligent. They daydream. They procrastinate. They are easily distracted and have exactly the same troubles with focus that ADHD kids do – but they often sit under the radar, and it isn’t until they are older that the strategies for getting through the school system start to unravel.
Because it’s one thing to turn up to school on time and another to manage the multiple stresses of being a grownup.
I did well in school because I was ‘gifted’ and coasted. And I’ll be honest with you, I never actually did anything. I skim read, used my photographic memory and gift for language not only through high school, but through my Undergrad degree and my Masters. And also made use of ability to hyperfocus on things I am interested in. But, when I think about it, I don’t think there was one prescribed text I read all the way through. I would say that I have a Masters in Bullshit.
I am one of the lucky ones. But it only makes sense now because of an accidental diagnosis, a whole bunch of testing, and a bucketload of reading, that all of these “personality flaws” really did just come under a banner. Drugs treat about 60-70% of it, but I have to make up the difference.
The thing about ADD is that a lot of the problems of the disorder, much like anything in the DSM-IV, occur in normal people to some degree. I mean, look at the definitions for most personality disorders and we can all relate on some level. However, the difference between a normal person and a person with a disorder is with functioning.
- Everyone procrastinates. I am a chronic procrastinator to the point where it damages my functioning. The only thing that motivates me is fear, shame, or being broke.
- Everyone gets bored. I cannot listen to someone talk about anything I am not interested in without drifting off. Every. single. time.
- Everyone runs late. I consistently run late & fail to allow proper travel time.
- Everyone gets distracted. I am perpetually distracted and lose days.
- Everyone gets annoyed by noise. I cannot handle even small amounts of noise without it stressing me out.
- Everyone is tired. I am exhausted because I cannot switch my brain off at night.
- Everyone has trouble finishing things. I very rarely completed anything 100%.
- Everyone is excited about the future. I move so quickly and am so focused on the future I find it hard to see what is directly in front of me.
Ticking clocks, traffic noise, children noise, buzzing lights, radios, airconditioners annoy me to the point where I have to wear ear plugs. I have to have software that kills all social media, all websites, email, games, and all other possible tools, including Photo Booth, when I need to read or write.
Now of course, this used to just be “Lou”. Cranky, unbearable to be around, haha-so-funny-how-she-procrastinates. The famous “death stare” (which was really that moment where I’d drift off mid-conversation). But it stopped being funny and started causing me severe anxiety and depression…. because I just couldn’t function.
And yet, I am still embarrassed to talk about it. I have heard stories of young girls in private schools being prevented from doing TEE subjects because of their ADD. I have seen the press openly mock ADHD kids. I have seen this myth that ADHD = perpetual fuckup for so long that I even believed it.
It’s really just a difference. It’s given me understanding of why I find every single day so overwhelming and stressful – why I hate my mobile phone with a passion – why things that I know I am capable of are a struggle. And it’s just because I am different. I am also gifted in many ways – my memory and reasoning and other tools I have adopted to compensate are quite remarkable.
It saddens me that there are a whole generation of people who are told they are fuckups, or have an invented disorder, or suffer from depression and anxiety, who may not feel comfortable in either seeking diagnosis or talking about it. Because yes, I take stimulants to concentrate, and as a result I am a force to be reckoned with! I am not high, I am most certainly not “speedy”, and I am nowhere near “hyperactive”. I am a fairly quiet, smart, capable woman who has a different way of processing information.
I hope that others can eventually start to speak out against the stereotypes associated with ADD/ADHD, mental illness, Autism, Asperger’s – any of these things. Because it is only when we identify ourselves that people realise things aren’t as clear cut. And they may think twice before judging, or a parent may reconsider taking their kids off ADD drugs because of misconceptions or stigma. Or they may not feel like they have failed. And everyone has something that makes them different. I have medicine and tools for mine, luckily, and as a result I can go on to study Medicine. And yeah, I may occasionally wander off, or get distracted by shiny things, but, you know, that’s fun. When it’s healthy.
So as embarrassed as I am, I am writing this here that I have ADD. I am a flake. I struggle to focus on a daily basis and that’s OK.
Who’s next?
