The Woo of Tealou

When you marry young, you think, despite the odds being against it, it’s going to be forever. You meet someone, the “chase” is over, and then, you’re married. Without knowing yourself, without knowing what it is you need in a relationship, without even really knowing who YOU are without that other person. You don’t really have to put any thought or effort into it, because, you really just fall into it.

I dated a little bit outside of my marriage. Not much though, and my only real experience of these things were when I was a teenager. A fucking TEENAGER, so my idea of what I wanted in a relationship was, basically, he wants me and we like the same TV Shows. Not the best foundation for a healthy relationship, I’ll admit. However, as part of this whole separation and divorce thing, I am trying to reflect on what went wrong. What decisions I made that led me to this point. What patterns of behaviour I can try to break to ensure that I don’t end up in another unhappy relationship.

So, I thought I’d try and compile some of the things I need. Some were in my previous marriage… others left gaping holes… but this is what I need. I make no secret of it and I am realising more and more that this is good. And healthy. I want someone that can impulsively pick me a flower from a garden and I am not embarrassed to admit it.

I am also in a relationship right now with someone who has made it clear he values directness. Which is not really my forté. I tend to be more in the “read my mind or I’ll cry even though there is no possible way you can read my mind” club. So, I thought it might be fun to write what I need in a relationship. The ultimate in directness – it’s written on the internet for all to see.

So, here is a list of everything I need for a relationship that has any chance of working.

They have to be interesting

…and by that, I mean, they have to be interesting *to me*. I like people that are different, think differently, aren’t afraid to BE different. This is a quality that attracts me to people before anything else… is that I find them interesting. I want to know more about them.

They have to be funny (without trying)

No lame-arse pickup lines. No Dad jokes. No trying. I need someone that is funny without even trying to be… who can have a turn of phrase of a glimmer in their eye that makes you laugh.

They have to be smart.

This sounds like I am being elitist, but it really is just a barrier I find hard to overcome. I like men with brains and the formal education to back it up. I like book smarts. I like passion.

But I also like wisdom. You can be wise and interesting without a formal education. So there’s a complex mix there. But I will know it when I meet it :)

They have to understand me.

I am not easy to understand. Hell, most of the time I barely understand myself. But, I need someone who doesn’t see the way I am as something to be judged, or repaired, but rather something that they understand and empathise with. I don’t want to have to explain why I do things all the time.

They have to be romantic.

I used to think I didn’t care about these sorts of things, but I do. I like gestures. I especially like crazy romantic gestures and one sure-fire way to turn me to jelly is to surprise me with something thoughtful. And it’s not about money. It’s about gestures that are meaningful and show I am worth the effort. I like to feel like I need to be fought for. I need to be appreciated. I need to be chased. It’s not expensive, it’s about kind gestures. It could be as much a handwritten letter, or a picked flower, or a piece of jewellery… it’s not the value, it’s the consideration that goes into it.

They have to have a soft side.

I don’t like men who are macho alpha male types. Yeah, I don’t care about your primal genital display, thanks. I’ll take the guy I can be real with.

BUT They have to be prepared to take charge/be strong when needed.

I need someone who knows to take charge but it’s needed. While I like a softer guy, I need them to occasionally be the strong one, or defend my honour when it counts. And… you know… take charge in other areas :)

They have to protect me.

I need protecting. From others and from myself. And I need someone who can step in and have my interests at heart and give me tough love when I need it without being judgmental. And I need someone who will think nothing of defending my honour.

They have to remember my birthday.

They have to buy me a birthday present and make me dinner. They need to get me a Christmas gift and they need to put thought into them. Absolutely not negotiable. You’d be surprised why this is even here. :/

They have to cook for me.

Nothing fancy, but I like to feel taken care of sometimes.

It needs to be an equal relationship. They need to contribute equally and they need to have their own goals and aspirations outside of me.

They have to love my children.

If I have to choose between a man and my children, I will choose my children. He needs to be a friend to my children. If I have a vision of the future, it is of my children having four proud parents. But, for now… just… get to know them and appreciate them.

They have to be able to tell me I’m wrong, but in a loving, non-judgmental way.

Sometimes, I need to be told to shut the fuck up. I need to be put in my place when I am talking shit. And I need it done by someone whom I respect and love. I don’t like being told what to do, but if I am wrong and you can tell me why, I will generally be receptive. It’s an art.

They have to be physically affectionate.

I need someone to want to grab my hand or stroke my hair without being prompted. I like cuddles and hugs and am generally tactile. It is important to me to feel wanted and to have touching that is not just considered foreplay, but touching that is just… closeness and a reflection of love.

You may have noticed that physical features and things like job & money aren’t high on my list. A career that they enjoy is important. Looks not so much but attraction is important. Money? Well, who doesn’t want money… but it’s not going to supercede anything on the list above and it certainly isn’t a dealbreaker if they don’t have it.

So, there you go. A written list of what you need to win me. Not that hard, really, is it? :)