All posts in Introspectives

Just roll with it.

by admin on January 19, 2012 in Introspectives, Separation & Divorce, Social Media with No comments

I am a “public figure”.

Of course, in 2012 – in the age where private citizens are all living publicly through social media, we all are, but as my “profile” increases, I have had to grapple internally with the idea that what I say… actually matters. And that I have reached a point where I now have to play by a different set of rules.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my ex-husband about what I say online. Like most people navigating through a break-up, we (I) have said things via social media (in the heat of the moment) that were not very nice. For the most part, I think we do OK, and we decided to mutually unfollow, unfriend… and move on. And for the most part, that works.

The other day, I called him a dickhead on Twitter.

It’s innocuous enough, right? I mean, people get called a dickhead every day on the internet. Hell, people call me a dickhead (and worse) on a daily basis! Almost everyone who shares on social media has done a heat-of-the-moment update… especially during a break-up. It’s certainly something most people I know have been guilty of from time to time.

But they aren’t me.

When he initially raised it, I laughed. It seemed absurd that he would be so precious about it. Because he knows that 99% of the time, I don’t think he’s a dickhead. In fact, I think he’s a good person, a wonderful father and we are trying very hard to get along for the sake of our children. We don’t follow each other, we stay out of each other’s way for the most part, and the crux of my defence? How on earth is he reading it if we aren’t following each other?

He then said something that made me finally get it.

“Do you not realise you are everywhere?”

It was at that moment that I apologised.

Because, no, even though, intellectually, I know my Klout Score and see my blog stats and all those things… but… no… I don’t. I am just this person with a Twitter account who has always just tweeted like 5 people are reading. And now I find myself having to abide by a different code to others.

The reason I am talking about this discussion is not to justify my actions, rather to illustrate my main point.

There comes a tipping point between private citizen, chatting on the net… and “public” commentator. It’s something I have not yet reconciled, and up until recently, have seen it as a mere side effect of being opinionated. I’ve been blogging for 10 years. Writing on the internet for almost 20 years. I am doing now what I have always done, which is… just… write for my circle.

In 2012, however, things are changing. What I write spreads. And spreads quickly. No kidding… I get recognised on the street! What I say, more often than not, incites people to act, think… hold an opinion. It’s the nature of “influence”. It’s actually quite terrifying to think about, because (until recently) I have never actively sought influence, or recognition beyond my immediate circle… others just decided to listen along the way, to the point where I now represent a community.

It’s bizarre. I polarise, I have fans, I have haters. I get complimented & more smoke blown up my arse than many would want in a lifetime. I get insulted, I have had people stalk and physically threaten me. Even when people aren’t talking to me, they are talking about me: mostly positive, sometimes negative – most of it completely baseless (because… I really only have 3 close people who know anything about me, really…)… but…

My ex is right. Who wouldn’t be upset if they were called a dickhead by someone in my position? Where everyone in Perth, and beyond, had a picture of who he was based on shit that I have said in the moment?

It’s a really tough issue that I have not entirely reconciled within myself. That line between the sharing of my life that gave me this influence (after all, our married life was a big part of the content of this blog for 8 years!)… and realising that I also have a responsibility now, as a public figure, to behave differently.

Being held to a different set of standards to the “general population” is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes me want to do better and try to lead by example. Part of that involves now trying to avoid collateral damage in my personal relationships. Anyone that I date, marry, whatever, will be subjected to all of this… stuff. It’s weird, for sure… and it has taken me a while to even acknowledge that people listen to what I say. But it’s actually very difficult to be under the scrutiny of strangers, and even harder to know and accept that there are people that hate you.

Of course, it goes with the territory and I am certainly not complaining about it. But, for those who have tried to feed conflict in my personal relationships – think about things you have said online. And think about what would happen if people actually started reading it, picking it apart. Acting on it. It’s not an easy responsibility to have (especially when you don’t even realise people DO read).

I guess the first step is to acknowledge that there are different rules from now on, and try to still be the character people relate to. I’m trying to deal with this as best I can… and the first step is to apologise. And be more aware of the power my words have. Which is fucking AWESOME. I am so lucky. But, I need to do better.

I am… OK.

by admin on October 8, 2011 in Introspectives, Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

I have been going on lots of long walks lately. Not only is it great for pain management and my insomnia, but it also allows me to do a LOT of thinking about various stuff.

I haven’t really had lots of time to reflect on where I am. The last few years were so focused on survival… I think I lost myself at some point.

But it has hit me that I need to step up. The divorce is being finalised, I am on my way to being back on my feet, I have my grief under control for the most part… and… you know… when I think about it…

I am doing pretty well.

I’ve been to hell and back the last few years, but.. considering… I think I am doing OK.

The only real remaining thing is my major, major issues with trust, abandonment & being a complete control freak trying to avoid being hurt.

It was cute grappling for control when I was a kid. It made me wise. It made me resilient and independent. It got me through a pretty shitty upbringing.

It was a barely tolerable idiosyncrasy in my 20s. Being hospitalised, writing lists for the Doctors rounds. Being self righteous and precocious.

It was my rescue in the last few years. Grappling for control in a freefall situation…it got me through.

But now? I think it has run its course. I don’t need to control everything. And as much as I lament about my daughter’s seriousness and wish she’d just relax… I need to remind myself that the world won’t cave in if I am not in complete control of every situation.

My control issues, particularly with regard to trust, is now a problem. It is a maladaptive pattern that actually does me (and others) damage. Every potential relationship I have had… it rears it’s ugly head when I am not able to control or predict the outcome… or, more specifically, someone ELSE has the control.

And I have realised today… that it just needs to stop. It’s not working for me anymore. I am not in danger. I am not in freefall. I am OK. So I can actually relax and relinquish control now, because… it’s OK.

The first step is acknowledgement, right? It’s easier said than done, I know. but… I’ll give it a good go.

Paddling like hell.

by admin on August 20, 2011 in Health, Introspectives, Téa with No comments

It’s been a while since I did a health-related post. Mostly because I have reached a point of sort-of stability, but partly because I have been going through a period of reflection: after the initial processing and grieving, I have been learning as much as I can, trying to really figure out that thing called “the rest of my life”.

It’s not easy being me. Granted, it’s not easy being anyone, really, but for me, I do have a particular set of hurdles that make it… kind of difficult. Coming to a point of acceptance that I will never be “normal”… that I will never be “better”… you know… that has taken quite a long time to process.

I have Lupus. I also have ADHD (and a few other things that overlap, but those are the main 2). And even though so many give their sympathy with regard to the Lupus (some don’t even do that…), as time goes on I am finding the ADHD so much more pervasive and hard to manage than the constant pain and the antibodies attacking my nervous and endocrine systems. I am somewhat at peace with premature death hanging over my head.

Yes, there are those nutjobs that think Lupus is just a result of consuming aspartame, or as a result of weight gain (um, no… weight gain is a symptom…), but they are, for the most part, marginalised by the broader community. And articles like The Spoon Theory have really helped the people in my life who don’t understand… to understand a little better. Or, at least get better at shutting their mouth around me.

As time goes on, I am finding it more difficult to get understanding around ADHD and its pervasiveness in my life, especially, the fact that I have needs, because… ignorance about it is just so…common. And, it is starting to manifest in frustration and stress… mostly because I wish people could know just how hard it is with both disorders, to simply get up, go to work and be a “normal” functioning person every day.

This week, I had a little bit of a meltdown. I have started a new job and somewhat glossed over the fact that my brain is wired a certain way. Even without the pain & weirdness of Lupus, ADHD alone is a minute-by-minute internal struggle. The thing that caused my little internal meltdown this week was… a project plan. In an area that I am an expert in. My first one. In my new job, where everyone was expecting brilliance.

It is so hard to articulate  when people say “ohhh yeaaaaaah it’s soooo hard to concentrate sometimes”.

Yeah. For a normal person, who can choose to snap out of it. Times about 5 million.

Much like hearing someone whinge about a pulled muscle when you live with ongoing pain… it’s insensitive to underestimate how difficult ADHD is. It’s not simply a matter of being unable to sit still, or even procrastinating. It is literally impossible to function sometimes… even if we want to.

It doesn’t go away.

It is extraordinarily difficult to get and maintain focus to complete tasks that others take for granted. Hyperfocus is my friend, and I have learned to channel it… sometimes. But when I can’t get there, it is like pushing shit uphill. Even on medication. Fluorescent lights buzzing. Conversations outside. People coming in to have conversations. The sun. The rain. Screen reflection. The sound of the coffee machine. The phone ringing. The stress of a deadline. The stress of wanting to perform well in a high-level, creative job. The internal monologue about how I am not good enough, smart enough, focused enough. Whether my hair is irritating me. Gantt charts. Paragraphs. Written reports. Dot points. Plans… you get the drift.

This is not normal stress. It is not a normal process. My brain simply cannot just focus when I want it to. It’s not a switch I can flip when it suits me… because if I could, I certainly wouldn’t choose to be not sleeping, agonising over something that is an easy task. And if there is stress, or performance anxiety attached, I am cactus. It’s a horrible, debilitating loop of interruption, anxiety and stress… no one would choose it.

It’s not as simple as just telling me to get organised. If only it was. And like I don’t have every single tool, 3 notebooks, an iPhone, alarms, a calendar and every other system in place… you know… because I am not fucking retarded. It’s an internal process that quite literally puts my system into a loop when stressed. I don’t suffer from an Attention Deficit. I suffer from an attention overload.

And stress makes me my Lupus worse. ha ha ha. Yay me.

I need to start being more assertive about my needs. Because I am clever. I can certainly write a goddamn project plan… I got through a Masters for God’s sake! But, it’s about putting the right setting in place to not make me come unstuck. And it’s really hard in an employment context, to make demands for an environment that everyone else can work in. And it’s a great environment… but I am struggling internally. I have needs. I guess I need to start learning assertiveness… but I am always afraid of being seen as difficult, or a drama queen, or worse, lazy or stupid.

I’m not. I work my arse off to appear normal… and I fail at that so often…

I guess I need to just get used to the fact that I have specific needs and it does not diminish my talent, or intelligence, or morality. And in many ways, it is more a gift than a hindrance (with creativity, non-linear thinking etc). But I also can’t help but think that it doesn’t seem fair that it is my role to educate… you know? If I was in a wheelchair, or deaf… it would need to be accommodated, right? So why do I feel so afraid to ask for help and understanding with ADHD? My employers are brilliant… and I don’t think it would ever be a problem… this is very much an internal issue with being seen as not worth it… I dunno.

Not only is that swan you see, looking graceful in the water against the tide, paddling like all hell… they also have pain in those legs, lost half of their babies in that water and are shot at by hunters. There is always that point where you can choose to stop paddling and just go where the tide takes you… or… you can choose to paddle.

And I choose to paddle. But it would be nice, if, once in a while, the tide would just change and give me a rest for a bit.

Thanks for reading my brain vomit :)

Acceptance.

by admin on November 18, 2010 in Health, Introspectives, Relationships with No comments

I have had to do a lot of thinking lately. Some reflections have been conscious and voluntary, others have been somewhat forced on me… but this really is a time of major growth and personal reflection and I am at a real turning point in my life… where I really am aware that decisions I make now will impact the rest of my life.

It took some time to end my marriage, primarily because I thought I was the broken one. That somehow if I tried harder, that somehow if I just worked longer hours and poured all I had into things, tried to modify myself to fit… that I could somehow force it. The assumption that the way I felt was all about my attitude and laziness and was somehow my fault and was even fixable was a naive view, but still, I held it. That the failure of my marriage was my fault.

I tried really hard. Both of us tried really, really hard and both of us are good people who just worked too hard at something that was simply a matter of incompatibility. I didn’t cheat. He didn’t cheat. Nothing happened. In fact, it was the day I said, out loud, that I wasn’t happy and we needed to separate, calmly, that I knew that this was for real. It took me a long time, after 2 years of relentless, clusterfuck-style life-shock after epic life-shock that I came out the other side and realised that I was a different person.

I am on my own for the first time in my life. The first time in my life. I lived alone for about 8 months when Jason and I broke up in 2000, and I dated, and lived alone, but for the first time ever, I am truly on my own. And by this, I mean, responsible for myself with no-one to back me up or bail me out.

It’s scary.

And it’s weird.

Because I realised, with a fairly crushing and overwhelming force, that I have some pretty significant deficits as a functioning adult. I am injury prone, reckless and forgetful and I had absolutely no idea to what extent that was till I actually had to live with consequences, and without someone in the background, constantly making sure that I remembered things, or reminded me when I was being reckless, or could remind me of the time (I have no concept of time). In the few weeks I have been out on my own, I have cut myself, bruised myself, locked myself out of my house, lost my temper from mess, lost my temper from workload & juggling… and you get the idea.

I have always been so vocal about my independence… how I am A type. How I am a “high achiever”, how I can do it all, etc etc. And now, I realise that no-one can truly do it all without someone in the background making sure that it happens. There is no such thing as a self-made person.

I have ADHD. I have gone through a crapload of testing. I have gone through a crapload of medication trial and error. I have crippling autoimmune disease and a suspected blood clotting disorder. My autoimmune disease has some symptoms similar to MS, especially around cognitive function and clumsiness. I used to be a functioning person. Used to be an athlete. Used to… well… used to do a lot of things.

The ADHD stuff really is an umbrella for so much in my life and I have realised that I am not coping well with the everyday pressures of being on my own. Jason used to do things like plug my phone in to make it was charged. He would make sure I had my car keys or the house keys. He would make sure I remembered to set alarms, take medications. He would walk in at 11pm and tell me the time so I knew. He would clean up after the kids so that I wouldn’t be stressed out about disorganisation when I am already struggling to pay attention. I quite literally had a little fairy that would follow me around to make sure I didn’t kill myself.

I didn’t realise I even had these deficits in functioning until I was on my own and had to take full responsibility for my own life. My phone is never charged, I forget to set my alarm, or I accidentally leave my phone on silent when I set it. I am easily sitting up till 5 & 6am, with no concept about the passage of time. I am good at getting my work done, of course, but I am still in some ways struggling with the overwhelming amount of small bullshit tasks I didn’t even realise… I was being propped up.

That 8 months where I lived alone? I had a bad flu, fell asleep on my lounge room floor in front of the heater and my blanket caught fire. I lost 3 wallets and locked myself out twice. And tonight, I rang my ex and I told him that I acknowledge and appreciate the “fairy godmother” role he played without me even knowing. I also made it clear that it didn’t mean I was going back, but a mere acknowledgement that I understand.

So now, I have to put strategies in place to overcome these things. I have an ADHD diagnosis. I have health problems that prelude me from being able to be this A type person I always thought I was… so I need to come to a point of acceptance and say “hey, this is what I need to do to function”. I also need to stop seeing my ADHD issues, and my physical limitations of “becoming crippled” as a failure.

They aren’t failures, per se. They are facts of life that I need to acknowledge and work with. I need to take drugs for the rest of my life. There is no way around it. There is no point getting upset about it because it WILL NOT CHANGE. I will never be able to run a marathon or swim to Rottnest. I will never be able to go to Medical School and I need to accept it as a fact and let go. I will never be able to fully cope with the structures of the world around me because of the way I process information.

I need to accept that I am a good person. I am not a failure and my marriage ending was no-one’s fault.

I will need to accept that I cannot do it alone.

I will need to accept that I need to put strategies in place to help me achieve the things that “normal” people take for granted.

I will need to accept that I am a human being, not a robot. And that if I continue to push myself to my limits, I will die a premature, painful death.

I will need to accept that I need to be more controlled and rigid in the activities I choose. I need to learn to manage my time and my finances more effectively.

I also need to accept that even in spite of all of these strategies, in spite of all the drugs, in spite of all my best efforts… that sometimes… I will STILL fuck up. The strategies I put in place can help it to happen less often, but I will still fuck up. And I am not a failure for it.

And I need to stop being angry about being sick. I need to stop being angry about the almost $900 a month in non-PBS medications I need to take to function. It is what it is. I can take it, or not take it, but there is not point in complaining and stressing about it. I cannot afford it, but I need to find a way to work with it. And, when I need to take 2 days off because I am unwell, despite even the best of treatments, I need to be kind to myself and not let clients bully me.

I need to learn to accept my body and work within the parameters of my disordered view of my body and appearance.

I need to be more assertive and learn to say no… even when I want to do things, or give time, or offer… I keep doing it at the expense of my health, my finances (way too much free or discounted work which is stopping), my time with my children and ultimately, my life. And it just can’t happen anymore.

So, this week, I am working on getting stuff done. Allocating time for everything. Setting alarms. Filling my Calendar to the brim, everything, even the meals I forget to eat, scheduled. In the hope that I can train myself to function and leave time in it for me to actually live rather than exist. My expenses are incredible right now and I’ll be honest, I don’t know where the future lies. Child support, medication, debts & rent alone are insane. But, rather than complaining about it, I can’t change it, so I’ll need to start rolling with it, moving to accept that I need to earn $2000 per WEEK before I even start to do anything fun… and get on with finding the best way to do it.