All posts in Relationships

So, an interesting article landed in my feeds this morning:

Why men don’t fancy Funny women

More than half the men who took part in the survey revealed that a witty woman was not what they were looking for in a partner. Dr Martin said the findings suggested that men see themselves as the ones who should be delivering the lines and feel threatened by humorous women.

This is one of many articles I have seen, since I entered (and then opted out of) the absurdly dysfunctional world of dating, where studies dissect dating behaviour and try to understand what men (and women) find appealing in a partner.

There are articles that say that men don’t like women who make more money than they do. They don’t like educated women. They don’t like women who are taller than them. They prefer younger women. They don’t like fat women, or women with children from previous relationships. They don’t like women with opinions. They don’t like “needy” women. They don’t… well… you get the picture.

I don’t even actively seek out this sort of information and according to most of these things… as an educated, overweight, somewhat tall, funny (well… that’s subjective), ambitious, not-being-able-to-be-bought-off-with-diamonds, mother of 3 with a chronic illness and a litany of abandonment and avoidance issues that I grapple with every day…. I should just shoot myself right now because I am going to die alone. I am so undateable it’s not funny.

It sounds absurd, right?

Similarly, men are subjected to the message that they must be successful, tall, romantic… hell even I have my list of what I look for in a partner.

But you know, the more I navigate this whole “single” and “dating” thing… I realise that whilst some of the catch cries are true when things are unhealthy or not working out (Read: “He’s Just Not That Into You” and everything on the brilliant Baggage Reclaim) - it’s, quite frankly, all a load of crap, because at the end of the day, we love who we love. It actually isn’t a conscious choice.

It’s easy to theorise about people when they are an intellectual concept or stereotype, saying what your preferences are. Maybe, when they asked the question about funny women, the men actually pictured Catherine Tate, or Janeane Garofalo, who they weren’t physically attracted to. Or, they have a theory that most comics are depressed… and they have extrapolated a stereotype that helps them respond to a complex question.

As someone who was asked this on radio, TV, and continue to be asked…”What makes your ideal mate?”, it’s a highly, highly complex question to answer. I always kind of muttered and said “When you know, you know.”

But at the end of the day, it is quite simple. First, it is possible to be an exception to “The Rules”. Second, no-one fully understands what makes a successful relationship. Third, and the most important point:

There is always someone who will love you for you. All of you. It might not happen right now, and let’s be honest, your flaws may shit them no end… you may not even fit their “check list” at all. But eventually, someone will come along who accepts you for who you are… and possibly even loves you for your ‘flaws’. In fact, for anyone I have ever dated, it has always been their idiosyncracies and “deviations” from my check-list that have been the most appealing.

So I guess my point with this study, and like all of the similar ones… is that you shouldn’t settle. And you most certainly should not modify who you are. It’s OK to feel alone and frustrated and lament that men don’t like assertive, successful women with baggage and a sense of humour (let alone health problems!). Hell, I worry all the time that that magic mix of the right person, right timing and right circumstances will never fully align… But no-one should have to compromise who they are just for the sake of a relationship. Yes, sure, working towards self-improvement is one thing — like I said, I have a whole host of crappy things that I work on every day… but being intelligent and funny are QUALITIES not FLAWS. And no way is it something I would EVER modify for the sake of another person.

Be you. The rest will happen… eventually. Maybe. And if it doesn’t, so what?