All posts in Relationships

…and thus starts my point.

by admin on July 12, 2011 in iPadofLove, LOLs, Relationships, Social Media, The Internet with No comments

Last night, I was working late on a client’s social media campaign. Yes, I am single, but have never gotten all that serious about dating… and most of my experiences with dating sites has been… well… kind of shit. It started as a tongue-in-cheek comment about giving away an iPad to try and hustle up dates… and… *voila*. An idea.

Why not apply the same simple guerilla marketing principles to myself as a “product”, and see if I can prove that you can bypass traditional means of marketing/communication with a small time investment and a good idea. And thus far, it is proving right. Because all I invested, so far, is an hour on a blog post. Yes, it will cost me 2 iPads in the future (if this succeeds)… but… I see it as a small price to pay to a) make my point and b) maybe even meet someone.

Traditional means were failing. I don’t go out to clubs and pubs. Networking events are, by and large, filled with the same dull faces. I was attracting the wrong “customers”… I was investing my valuable time with strategies that weren’t converting. In business, you would look for creative alternatives. So why not do it for me too? I also needed to rebuild my blog audience, so it seemed to be a win-win experiment.

At the time of writing, I have had 500 Pageviews on that single post since posting it at lunchtime. I have had it retweeted by key influencers not only in Perth, but over East as well, and have had a massive spike in traffic.

And I don’t even have as many followers as I did 4 months ago… I deleted my 2000-follower account and started again from scratch. And yet… here we are.

One idea. One hour. One blog post. And I already have media attention, because I know who to approach.

Get people talking about it. The rest takes care of itself. Put simply:

  1. It’s not about how many followers you have.
  2. Creativity rules. Take risks.
  3. Have a thick skin.
  4. Don’t conform.
  5. HAVE FUN WITH IT.

I have under 400 followers on Twitter these days. I used to have a more popular account, but I decided to start again a few months ago. But, I know who to approach. I know who’s retweets will generate traffic. I know how to get media interest. These things are just good old-fashioned networking and marketing skills.

It also doesn’t really matter if you are ‘popular’ or not. In fact, being hated will often work wonders for a marketing campaign… because people are still talking about it. Yeah, I have my fair share of critics, and have (deliberately) made some enemies along the way… but there will always be those who are threatened by these strategies, because they are trying to profit from bad advice. They don’t take risks, they just do the safe stuff. And… good for them, I guess… and all I will say is… aw bless.

But in reality, all it takes is one person, one hour, and the right idea and it will work. Don’t listen to those that are selling you tickets to the middle of the road… because middle of the road means ordinary. And ordinary, in an era where we are saturated with messaging, white noise.

Will this work? Who knows. I would like to think it will! But the point is not so much that I need a man (I really don’t lol), but more the point that it is the fun ideas that make my job worth doing. I hope to keep you up to date with the progress and results… stats don’t lie. And if I get that “conversion”, well, looks like I have to go buy 2 iPads, doesn’t it. :)

 

Introduce me to my soulmate, win an iPad.

by admin on July 12, 2011 in Featured, iPadofLove, LOLs, Relationships, Social Media, The Internet with No comments

6 months ago, I ventured into online dating. Signed up for RSVP & the cesspool of sleaze, Oasis Active. Met some cool people that have ended up as friends (always the way), but for the most part am finding the whole thing ineffective.

A few months ago, a friend of mine had the idea to market himself via Facebook ads, which intrigued me… but a tongue-in-cheek comment on Twitter last night has led to me having a stellar idea.

I work with social media. I market online. Why use a dating site? Why not do something that drives real leads to me, that I control? And also pimp my own services as well? Seems win-win.

And, thus… my “find me a soulmate” competition was born.

Simple premise.

Tweet or share this article on Facebook.

The person who introduces me to “the one”, will get an iPad, or $500 cash (Added: $AUD).

The people who retweet/share on Facebook will go into the draw to win an iPad.

Clarification: Yes. If you introduce yourself and ask me out and I marry you… you get an iPad.

About Me


Age: 32.
Location: Perth, Western Australia.
Relationship status: Separated, divorce final in a month.
Height: 5’7″
Appearance: chubby but ok looking. “Hot” to some but I don’t believe it.
Education: lots, ongoing and crazy smart.
Geekiness: I can fix your computer, love my iPhone but not much of a gamer.
Music: My life. I play guitar & love recording.
Books: Love reading, but don’t get much time. Love Ben Elton and Nick Hornby. And Twilight can suck my arse.
Exercise: As much as possible, but not as much as I should!
Health: Lupus (managed).
Interests: Music, Neuroscience/Medicine (studying Biomed), design, funky things, pretty things, people watching.
Children: I have 3 children on weekends.
Politics: Left wing cynic, generally jaded.
Alcohol: I like a glass of wine or 2. No alcoholics please.
Smoking: sometimes, but rarely.
MBTI: INFP.
Astrology: Aries, Pisces rising. Venus in Pisces. I am a goat/sheep in Chinese Astrology.
Religion: “Culturally Roman Catholic”, but not religious. Philosophical.
Love Language: 6 – Words of Affirmation; 7 – Quality Time; 7 – Receiving Gifts; 3 – Acts of Service; 7 – Physical Touch;
Family: Estranged from most, including parents. Mother’s extended family still in my life. Love my sister.
What I am attracted to: over 5’10″. Not a bogan. Educated but not pretentious. Funny & relaxed, but ambitious. Professionals desirable. I like Meditteraneans and “exotic” men. err…?

Some background blog posts:

The Woo of Tealou

I Don’t Even Like Cosmopolitans

Added 17/7

It has been noted by a commenter on Gizmodo that I should also acknowledge the Android. Sure, why not. As to whether I’d date an Android fan, well…

Meat.

by admin on January 28, 2011 in Relationships with No comments

So, last week I decided to harden the fuck up. I started seeing a counsellor. I upgraded the walking to running (even if they are short), and I figured, what the hell… set up an RSVP Profile. Initially, more as an affirmation of my singleness and over-him-ness than as a desire, but still… why not?

RSVP was the gold standard in online dating in 1999. When Jason and I broke up for a year, I had a profile and had met a couple of guys and it worked out pretty well. And I like the idea that people have to pay. It seemed more… invested… somehow.

Of course, in 1999, online dating was reserved pretty much for geeks. If you had a decent profile picture in digital format… well… you won at life. Ah, yes. Those were the days.

That was my only exposure to the “dating” scene – let alone the online dating scene. Jason and I reunited, and till now… it was just not something that I thought about.

So naturally, 2011 and I am sitting around, fairly content with “aloneness”, but thinking I should meet some different people. Because I like being in a relationship… but I don’t get “out there” much. And I will not date someone on Twitter. Mostly because breaking up with someone on Twitter is (was) really, really hard. And I am just… not tough enough to withstand my love life being fodder for bitchy gossip again.

I’ve started a new job, which is great, but I don’t date colleagues either. And I have dropped out of the business community… and again… my rules! So, it’s online or bust, I guess… so one night, over sparkling wine (thanks Lyall :)) and a little Dutch courage, back to RSVP I went. And I wrote a snarky profile… got a few bites… but ultimately, meh. All middle aged broken men.

At this point, let me tell you, the act of writing an online dating profile is really bizarre. Firstly, because I have no idea how to even BEGIN to describe myself in the space I am given. Secondly, because I hate being reduced to search criteria (where I am still not sure about the difference between “Average”, “Overweight” and “Large” and the pressure to be honest but also not be dismissed because of how you perceive yourself… and putting it down in writing…)… and also trying to be sincere & honest, but always with one eye on the fact that my Twitter stalkers can find it at any time. And Thirdly, I still think I am a loser for even contemplating this, even if I know it’s not the case.

It’s a real mind-fuck, actually.

So, anyway, RSVP. Kind of crap. So again, in a wine-fuelled lapse in judgement, I landed on Oasis Active. I basically copied and pasted my bio from RSVP, didn’t add a picture, and left it for a few days. Forgot about it. Then, last Tuesday night, surfing the web, landed back on there, it prompted me to upload a photo, so I did… and…

HOLY SHIT.

I got about 40 contact requests. 60% of them were reasonable enough profiles that on RSVP I might have approached (RSVP has much lower volume). All postgrad. All over 5’10. All smart & no txtspk in their profile. A good half of them pretty attractive and genuine. How’s that for choice? I’m not even that attractive, I can imagine what the good looking thin/athletic girls get!

I still get about 15 contact requests a day. And there are some really nice guys. Most not my type, a few of them very much so. Wow! I mean, it’s a real meat market in one way. There are, naturally, a whole stack of idiotic perverts on there too. One guy initiated contact with me, looked innocuous enough, then promptly started telling me that he was horny and was masturbating to my picture. Ahem. BLOCK. LOL, then BLOCK. But, all in all, there is a steady stream of pretty reasonable people that I don’t know (yet), who could all, on paper, very easily match. I worked hard on my profile, getting the language right… getting the combination of pictures right… all that. And, they just… come to me. I have never done a search on there.

HOW FUCKING BIZARRE IS THAT?

I had the stunning realisation that, if just 5% of these guys are genuine, and with half of that, we get along & I meet them… that’s a new potential friend and/or soulmate every week.

As a woman, it seems I am lucky. We get so much choice, I almost feel bad at having to reject contact with some people just because of the volume of messages I get. Often for arbitrary reasons, like, they live in Rockingham… which, is really not very nice but at the same time, I have the luxury of being selective. My list of demands is not that high anyway… but because I prefer to focus on one or two people and get to know them first rather than split my attention, it’s hard to manage. So I stick to a few at a time. Most are not right, so I move on. It’s cool.

But it’s also important to not let myself become one of those “hot or not” clicking types who, spoiled for choice, overlooks someone for stupid reasons. Because of the volume I had, I knocked back a guy yesterday because he was a Gemini & was holding a Jim Beam & Coke can in his photo. That’s really not very nice and it seems to encourage even the most open minded and accepting people to have to cull. The guy I was talking to (a lot…) was saying how for guys, they get knock backs for the weirdest of reasons. So it seems that there are a fair few Princesses out there, waiting for a figment of their imagination to appear. I’m more open than that… but I can see how it can be hurtful to other people’s self esteem.

And I guess you want to know… I am currently, out of the 50-odd men that have approached me since Tuesday, I am talking properly to 3 of them. They are all contenders. After FOUR DAYS on the site. And one in particular… woah.

Oasis Active, volume-wise… is… wow. If you’re a single girl & want to meet a crapload of people… Oasis Active is like speed dating. On crack. With checkboxes and a block button. It’s full. on.

But I also joined OKCupid. Now this one is interesting, because it does compatibility matching and seems a lot more… civilised… than Oasis Active. And it’s pretty good at it. but, there doesn’t seem to be the critical mass/meat market feel of Oasis. I’ve been trying all 3 sites and using them differently.I worked very hard on my OKCupid profile and answering a stack of their matching questions. So far have not been contacted (even though they seem to have assessed me as attractive. Um, yay? I guess?), but the matches are nice. I don’t initiate contact as a rule on dating sites. But I am interested t see what happens with those algorithmically-matched men.

I don’t think I am going to meet “that” person within 4 days of being on the site. But, the potential is… incredible. I was initially reluctant… mostly because I was worried about my profiles being up (and being embarrassed)…. but then I decided to just blog it and be open and see where it leads.

I don’t even like Cosmopolitans.

by admin on January 27, 2011 in LOLs, Relationships with No comments

I knew when I decided to leave the marriage, that it was going to be a challenge. Separation, especially after being married for all of your 20s – it’s a HUGE deal.

So I never thought it was going to be smooth sailing. I wasn’t able to fully articulate why I was miserable… but for the most part I am pretty sure what I want.

The thing that has rattled me the most about this whole process, is not what you’d think (and many people have assumed). What has surprised me is how I suddenly feel like I have been thrust into a much less yoga-toned, less horse-faced, bad parody of Sex and the City.

Except, rather than dating since my teens and going with the ebbs and flows… I am learning about a subculture that up until this point, seemed kind of… Codependent, clichéd and frankly… a little bit pathetic.

And yet here I am. Suddenly a walking cliché. Rebound relationship with a younger man. Drinking wine on my own. Publicly lamenting about how much easier it would be to go back. Drunk tweets. Emotional rollercoasters. Reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” and other self-help books. Because I am interested. And writing all about it on my blog. Like I said… a Carrie Bradshaw without the lisp and the tall dark and handsome fall-back with a large wang. And I wear practical shoes.

It’s a really vulnerable place. Especially when I assume that no one will find me attractive. Or accept my children. Or tolerate my neuroses, which are abundant. It’s bizarre.

I decided to try online dating. It’s absurd. And, given the last few weeks, I figured that rather thantry and be all secretive… I am going to share the adventure with you. Obviously within the realms of appropriateness and privacy, but still. It’s interesting, particularly with the baggage and whatnot.

So, every Friday morning I will post an update. First one tomorrow morning!

Pondering.

by admin on January 17, 2011 in Married Life, Motherhood Rules!, Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

Where is my head at? I’ve been wondering this for quite some months.

Did I leave the marriage for the right reasons? I was unhappy at the end, but in so many ways, he was a sanctuary from the world.

I wonder, if we hadn’t had so many end on end crises for 3 years…would I have been so unhappy?

Did I leave because I couldn’t cope with the damage the last 3 years did to both of us? Did I leave because of my own grief and despair?

On one hand, I am happier now I have left. I am optimistic that things will work out for the best. I rebounded heavily into a relationship that in another set of circumstances would have been “the one”. But, it didn’t work out and that’s ok.

But then I wonder to myself, is it fair to be pursuing this notion of an idealised relationship? Can I even trust my own judgement?

Because… it’s not all about me.

Is it fair to be seeking this idealised notion of a soulmate, at the expense of my children?

Because, even though I was unhappy at the end, when things were good, they were good. He’s a good man. A good man with an upbringing. A good man who has always been a safe place to land and who I did love.

I am not deciding to go back, but I am merely reflecting on the question… of whether I am being selfish. And, through my depression, can’t see what’s right in front of me. And whether making it work is more rewarding in the long run?

Maybe love *is* a choice? Maybe I am chasing my own ideals. Maybe I’m not even going to find it.

And the fact that it would be operationally easier, better for my kids, and a hell of a lot less exposing and painful for both of us is tempting.

My mother sought her own happiness at the expense of her children. Maybe this is just another pattern I am doomed to repeat?

I am going into counselling this week… I have acknowledged that I have some major grief, some post traumatic stress and some major fucked up childhood stuff to deal with. I am aware that I don’t know who I am without external validation or labels. Which is why figuring it out is important. I’m codependent. But at the same time, I’m potentially fucking up my children in the process and it’s not a factor I consider lightly.

Are there any other people out there who have separated, been certain that they are at the end, but still come back from the brink? I wonder if we should put in the effort. Seek counselling, learn to communicate, learn to love. Because I don’t know if I do trust myself  or my feelings anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted. Thought I had read a situation correctly and I was wrong. I thought that if I took a risk it would pay off. But maybe I am just kidding myself?

On "negativity" and "overshare".

by admin on January 9, 2011 in Relationships with No comments

There have been a few times over the years where I have been labeled as negative. I have always been genuinely perplexed by this accusation.

Sure, I share a lot of my inner thoughts, and I have been through a lot in the last few years, but fundamentally I am an optimist. Internally, I have managed to bootstrap myself out of all sorts of ordeals, put a positive spin on it and try very hard not to dwell in despair for too long. And when I look over the bulk of the material I produce online, I don’t see it as overly negative. Reflective, honest (sometimes brutally so) and usually philosophical is the intention.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner reflection since my marriage ended. Trying to learn who I was outside of that. Learning about my personality, who I am in my *own* right, without the labels of “wife” and “mother” and “business person” etc attached. And I have learned a whole lot. I have been copping loads and loads of flak from people who just don’t get what I do.

They make claims that I am somehow this “victim”, or that I somehow deliberately upset people, or that I go out of my way to be negative. I copped a hammering on Formspring the other day, and despite me being all chipper and funny about it, it does still surprise me that people have the wrong end of the stick.

I’ve been interested in Psychology for a while, and now that I am studying it I am sort of immersing myself… trying to be as healthy in my mind before I take on the heavy duty job of helping others. I’ve been learning about the Myers-Briggs personality types in much greater depth, reflecting on the information, and basically immersing myself in it (and other things). For many years I considered myself to be an introvert. I have tested pretty consistently as an INFP for as long as I have been aware of the tests. But something never quite sat right with me.

Because I share. I share a lot. I cannot be alone. And even though there is a rich “inner world”, it is nowhere near as introverted or internal as I would have thought. It comes across as needy, or oversharing and I could never quite figure out why I felt this urge to connect with others so much, or seek so much validation from people online. It’s because I am actually an extrovert. I take on energy from being around other people. It’s subtle, and I do struggle with too much “other people” all the time… but I came out the other side of all this learning and realised that I actually do not have this burning desire for aloneness, or recharge time, like other introverts. Sure, I realise that the MBTI is not the be all and end all, and that these are not traits, they are just natural inclinations… but still… it was a bit of an epiphany for me.

“Broken” ENFP’s often test as INFP’s – because they learn self-protective behaviours that stop them from being hurt or rejected. Over the years, I have tried to be “out there” and connect with people, but have been pretty well rejected. I don’t know why this is, and I am trying to learn why that is and what I can do to change it.

Because I don’t have that many close friendships. I find it hard to connect with people – not because I think I am special or above it – but because I find it hard to maintain long lasting relationships with any0ne. I tend to fuck it up by not being self-aware enough about what my needs are, or why I behave in a certain way. Or, I just unknowingly sabotage or challenge relationships with my perfectionism (for myself and other people). I am still figuring that bit out.

The reason I reach out on Twitter when I am processing something is because I *do* seek external validation of my thoughts and feelings. I have the benefit of an audience, and a group of acquaintances on there that are wise, and generally help me when I am in need of some feedback. Social Media is all about the ups and downs of people, and I think it’s a little naive to think that someone who only shares positive thoughts is a generally positive person. And if I do go on a rant, or say something negative, I will generally pull myself out of it pretty quickly.

I have always said that I write like 3 people are reading. And it’s the truth. I liken this blog to a shoebox full of letters, for people to see a glimpse of me 100 years from now. I write for my children, so they can see what’s going through my mind. I really do write for me. The stuff I write can be fairly heavy going, because it really is a stream of consciousness most of the time. I very rarely revisit a post after the first draft… I write to process and the conclusions happen organically as I write.

So why so I share?

My letter to my doctor, that was called too personal, was the catalyst for at least 5 different people writing a letter, getting a diagnosis and treatment.

My blog posts through my Grandma’s cancer was the catalyst for at least 7 people to share their stories of losing their loved ones.

My letters to my children have encouraged countless people to contact me over the years, to tell me that they have tears when they read it and they now write to theirs.

I get contacted every second day by someone, saying that the stuff I share has given them the courage to make changes in their lives, like look at their marriage, or make big decisions in their career… or that the things I have wrote have moved them in some way.

There are people who just don’t get the idea of storytelling. That this is simply my story. That my stories have the wonderful side effect of helping others, and I find this tremendously, TREMENDOUSLY humbling. That I get the privilege of having my words influence others — not many people get that luxury. And I guess the power of the words I use, for as many people as it motivates, it can also have the effect of making other people uncomfortable. I guess that may be where the idea of negativity comes from. Because people don’t see the positive, private feedback that I get. And they also focus on how my writing makes them feel, rather than asking themselves *why* they feel that way.

Because I am a work in progress. I process my thoughts externally, via this blog, and the positive feedback I get far outweighs any of the negative. But, I do worry about these things. I do hurt over the idea that other people seem able to connect and form relationships where I can’t, because I fuck it up. But, I am also learning that it is OK. Because the friendships that I do have are generally worth it.

I am learning to be less defensive. I have a lot of walls that have come from many years of abuse and bad relationships. But, I am not a negative person. I am a resilient person and I am optimistic and positive. And what I do here does good for others. And I need to remind myself of that.

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