All posts in Separation & Divorce

Just roll with it.

by admin on January 19, 2012 in Introspectives, Separation & Divorce, Social Media with No comments

I am a “public figure”.

Of course, in 2012 – in the age where private citizens are all living publicly through social media, we all are, but as my “profile” increases, I have had to grapple internally with the idea that what I say… actually matters. And that I have reached a point where I now have to play by a different set of rules.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my ex-husband about what I say online. Like most people navigating through a break-up, we (I) have said things via social media (in the heat of the moment) that were not very nice. For the most part, I think we do OK, and we decided to mutually unfollow, unfriend… and move on. And for the most part, that works.

The other day, I called him a dickhead on Twitter.

It’s innocuous enough, right? I mean, people get called a dickhead every day on the internet. Hell, people call me a dickhead (and worse) on a daily basis! Almost everyone who shares on social media has done a heat-of-the-moment update… especially during a break-up. It’s certainly something most people I know have been guilty of from time to time.

But they aren’t me.

When he initially raised it, I laughed. It seemed absurd that he would be so precious about it. Because he knows that 99% of the time, I don’t think he’s a dickhead. In fact, I think he’s a good person, a wonderful father and we are trying very hard to get along for the sake of our children. We don’t follow each other, we stay out of each other’s way for the most part, and the crux of my defence? How on earth is he reading it if we aren’t following each other?

He then said something that made me finally get it.

“Do you not realise you are everywhere?”

It was at that moment that I apologised.

Because, no, even though, intellectually, I know my Klout Score and see my blog stats and all those things… but… no… I don’t. I am just this person with a Twitter account who has always just tweeted like 5 people are reading. And now I find myself having to abide by a different code to others.

The reason I am talking about this discussion is not to justify my actions, rather to illustrate my main point.

There comes a tipping point between private citizen, chatting on the net… and “public” commentator. It’s something I have not yet reconciled, and up until recently, have seen it as a mere side effect of being opinionated. I’ve been blogging for 10 years. Writing on the internet for almost 20 years. I am doing now what I have always done, which is… just… write for my circle.

In 2012, however, things are changing. What I write spreads. And spreads quickly. No kidding… I get recognised on the street! What I say, more often than not, incites people to act, think… hold an opinion. It’s the nature of “influence”. It’s actually quite terrifying to think about, because (until recently) I have never actively sought influence, or recognition beyond my immediate circle… others just decided to listen along the way, to the point where I now represent a community.

It’s bizarre. I polarise, I have fans, I have haters. I get complimented & more smoke blown up my arse than many would want in a lifetime. I get insulted, I have had people stalk and physically threaten me. Even when people aren’t talking to me, they are talking about me: mostly positive, sometimes negative – most of it completely baseless (because… I really only have 3 close people who know anything about me, really…)… but…

My ex is right. Who wouldn’t be upset if they were called a dickhead by someone in my position? Where everyone in Perth, and beyond, had a picture of who he was based on shit that I have said in the moment?

It’s a really tough issue that I have not entirely reconciled within myself. That line between the sharing of my life that gave me this influence (after all, our married life was a big part of the content of this blog for 8 years!)… and realising that I also have a responsibility now, as a public figure, to behave differently.

Being held to a different set of standards to the “general population” is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes me want to do better and try to lead by example. Part of that involves now trying to avoid collateral damage in my personal relationships. Anyone that I date, marry, whatever, will be subjected to all of this… stuff. It’s weird, for sure… and it has taken me a while to even acknowledge that people listen to what I say. But it’s actually very difficult to be under the scrutiny of strangers, and even harder to know and accept that there are people that hate you.

Of course, it goes with the territory and I am certainly not complaining about it. But, for those who have tried to feed conflict in my personal relationships – think about things you have said online. And think about what would happen if people actually started reading it, picking it apart. Acting on it. It’s not an easy responsibility to have (especially when you don’t even realise people DO read).

I guess the first step is to acknowledge that there are different rules from now on, and try to still be the character people relate to. I’m trying to deal with this as best I can… and the first step is to apologise. And be more aware of the power my words have. Which is fucking AWESOME. I am so lucky. But, I need to do better.

I am… OK.

by admin on October 8, 2011 in Introspectives, Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

I have been going on lots of long walks lately. Not only is it great for pain management and my insomnia, but it also allows me to do a LOT of thinking about various stuff.

I haven’t really had lots of time to reflect on where I am. The last few years were so focused on survival… I think I lost myself at some point.

But it has hit me that I need to step up. The divorce is being finalised, I am on my way to being back on my feet, I have my grief under control for the most part… and… you know… when I think about it…

I am doing pretty well.

I’ve been to hell and back the last few years, but.. considering… I think I am doing OK.

The only real remaining thing is my major, major issues with trust, abandonment & being a complete control freak trying to avoid being hurt.

It was cute grappling for control when I was a kid. It made me wise. It made me resilient and independent. It got me through a pretty shitty upbringing.

It was a barely tolerable idiosyncrasy in my 20s. Being hospitalised, writing lists for the Doctors rounds. Being self righteous and precocious.

It was my rescue in the last few years. Grappling for control in a freefall situation…it got me through.

But now? I think it has run its course. I don’t need to control everything. And as much as I lament about my daughter’s seriousness and wish she’d just relax… I need to remind myself that the world won’t cave in if I am not in complete control of every situation.

My control issues, particularly with regard to trust, is now a problem. It is a maladaptive pattern that actually does me (and others) damage. Every potential relationship I have had… it rears it’s ugly head when I am not able to control or predict the outcome… or, more specifically, someone ELSE has the control.

And I have realised today… that it just needs to stop. It’s not working for me anymore. I am not in danger. I am not in freefall. I am OK. So I can actually relax and relinquish control now, because… it’s OK.

The first step is acknowledgement, right? It’s easier said than done, I know. but… I’ll give it a good go.

Pondering.

by admin on January 17, 2011 in Married Life, Motherhood Rules!, Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

Where is my head at? I’ve been wondering this for quite some months.

Did I leave the marriage for the right reasons? I was unhappy at the end, but in so many ways, he was a sanctuary from the world.

I wonder, if we hadn’t had so many end on end crises for 3 years…would I have been so unhappy?

Did I leave because I couldn’t cope with the damage the last 3 years did to both of us? Did I leave because of my own grief and despair?

On one hand, I am happier now I have left. I am optimistic that things will work out for the best. I rebounded heavily into a relationship that in another set of circumstances would have been “the one”. But, it didn’t work out and that’s ok.

But then I wonder to myself, is it fair to be pursuing this notion of an idealised relationship? Can I even trust my own judgement?

Because… it’s not all about me.

Is it fair to be seeking this idealised notion of a soulmate, at the expense of my children?

Because, even though I was unhappy at the end, when things were good, they were good. He’s a good man. A good man with an upbringing. A good man who has always been a safe place to land and who I did love.

I am not deciding to go back, but I am merely reflecting on the question… of whether I am being selfish. And, through my depression, can’t see what’s right in front of me. And whether making it work is more rewarding in the long run?

Maybe love *is* a choice? Maybe I am chasing my own ideals. Maybe I’m not even going to find it.

And the fact that it would be operationally easier, better for my kids, and a hell of a lot less exposing and painful for both of us is tempting.

My mother sought her own happiness at the expense of her children. Maybe this is just another pattern I am doomed to repeat?

I am going into counselling this week… I have acknowledged that I have some major grief, some post traumatic stress and some major fucked up childhood stuff to deal with. I am aware that I don’t know who I am without external validation or labels. Which is why figuring it out is important. I’m codependent. But at the same time, I’m potentially fucking up my children in the process and it’s not a factor I consider lightly.

Are there any other people out there who have separated, been certain that they are at the end, but still come back from the brink? I wonder if we should put in the effort. Seek counselling, learn to communicate, learn to love. Because I don’t know if I do trust myself  or my feelings anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted. Thought I had read a situation correctly and I was wrong. I thought that if I took a risk it would pay off. But maybe I am just kidding myself?

15 Again. And Thanks for the Cheese.

by admin on January 3, 2011 in LOLs, Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

It’s embarrassing really.

I managed to fuck up a potentially great relationship with my insecurities, and as a result, I have turned into a goddamn teenager. A blithering mess of a stupid, hormonal teenager who thinks her whole world is over.

It’s only been, what, 3 months? But FUCK ME if I hadn’t met someone really special. And, naturally, I am the one that fucked it all up and put him in a position where he had to end it. I’m a tool. And I will always regret it, because frankly, he showed me how easy things can be if you are compatible.

Compatible, of course, except for that whole thing where I have children and am separated. And I am a complete fucking headcase when it comes to my insecurities. And he is 25 and way too young to be even thinking about those sorts of commitments. So, the relationship ended. I’m hurt, and borderline crazy right now. Every so often I get a sort of out-of-body glimpse of how I am carrying on about it all and I just laugh at myself. Embarrassingly.

And I get what all those songs are about… you know… the ones where they croon about how the lost love is the only one and how they wish they could make it right. Ah, that old Universal experience. I had actually written a song a month or so ago for him, that started sort of in a joking way but developed into an almost finished song. Then, we broke up and I finished it in 7 minutes. It was a fun song and turned into a breakup song, but still… I finished a song. I NEVER do that. I have about 100 unfinished song snippets.

And now I get it.

It’s weird that I never felt this way when my marriage ended, or even at any point during my marriage. It’s no insult or disrespect to Jason, but because things started so young and formed predominantly out of relaxed habit, I never quite realised that all that mushy stuff that OTHER PEOPLE ALWAYS DID AND WERE IDIOTS was actually real.

Which is stupid as hell, because now I am walking around, with a constant pit in my stomach, a finished song, an impulse control problem when it comes to SMS and that longing that he’ll change his mind after he realises the mistake he made.

And of course, as much as I hope he will, I know he won’t.

But, I have to laugh. I have spent the last few days reflecting, going in loops and am almost at the other side of it. Still kind of bordering on crazy and every so often I try to think of some grand gesture, or some thing I can say or do or buy… or leaving a note or the song or whatever in his letterbox and then realising that I am being fucking crazy. Wanting to do all sorts of stupid shit when I am normally so level-headed… and just fighting those urges to knock on his door, or call him, or do some huge insane gesture that in the movies is really fucking romantic but in the real world, makes you a STALKER.

And then I laugh at myself for being so gooey, like a teenager. Despite knowing I can’t control him. Despite knowing I did everything I could and that it truly was just bad timing.

But, he’s shown me what’s possible. It is possible to have a connection with someone on a fundamental level. It is possible for things to be easy. It is possible for you to just genuinely admire and appreciate and be a bit gaga over someone, and want to fend off and fight all the bad things that happen to them. And, if someone like that comes along again, I sure hope they can handle my baggage. Because I’ve got craploads. It’s too much to bear for someone younger, I get it.

But, it’s a process, and as an introverted sort, it means lots and lots of walking, lots and lots of beach visits, lots and lots of songwriting and being a stupid teenager and trying not to cross the line into obsession and harassment. Which, admittedly, I may have done once or twice :D

But, I am getting better. I fell in love with someone extraordinary, and that’s a good thing. We went into this knowing it was most likely going to end, and as disappointed as I am, and as much as I still wish he’d change his mind, I’ll move on. But when I do, I’ll now know what is possible. I will need to be able to talk to them about big concepts like philosophy and psychology and health. I’ll need to be able to be a complete goofball. I’ll need to know how they feel. These are good things and as a result, I have decided that I am going to stay single for a few months… just to get my head straight. And yes, hope he changes his mind, but of course I am a sucker for punishment :D

This whole thing is really difficult though. How do people do it? Seriously?

I've come a long way.

by admin on December 28, 2010 in Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

It’s been about 5 months since my marriage ended, and boy has it been a huge journey.

I have grappled with so many things, that I need to break them into some individual posts, but, at the risk of tempting the Universe with another disaster, I am starting to feel like I am doing OK. Yeah, I said it now. Do your worst, Universe.

Separation

I think we’re starting to work through all the anger and frustrations, and we are finally starting to feel more like friends again. As long as I avoid the big hot-button issues, like, where they live, we can maintain a civil conversation for the most part. It’s still going to take time, but I am optimistic that we are making progress.

The absent parent

This one is hard. Being self-aware enough to admit that I didn’t work as the custodial parent was a huge, huge deal. I have to deal with a lot of strong emotions – predominantly guilt – and I miss the children so much it hurts. But, I also know that after 2 days on my own with them, I turn into a screaming mess. Jason always provided the things I couldn’t – and so even though it is not easy, I am happy for him to have care of the kids.

Another difficult part is having to accept the idea that my children will form relationships with anyone Jason dates. We’ve discussed it and agree that him & I are the parents – we do not expect other parties to fill a parental role. Maybe it’s naive, but, so far it’s working. Hopefully we can navigate through this without too much difficulty.

Relationships

This is much more difficult than I thought it would be. I have realised that now, rather than just being “Téa”, I have become “Téa, the mother”. I have absolutely no problem with it, but it’s a weird thing to grasp – that there are people who would ordinarily want a relationship with me, but see me as a no-go zone because of my responsibilities as a parent.

I had the benefit of a special relationship for the last 3 months. I have learned what is possible. He is an extraordinary person, with a kind heart and a great mind – we just clicked. Unfortunately all the complicatedness got in the way and it sucks and it has now ended. And in many ways I mourn this loss more than my marriage because of the connection we have. But, people come into our lives for varying reasons, and sometimes even the best things just aren’t meant to be – because the timing is all wrong. Maybe we’ll reconnect, who knows… and it’s way too early to be philosophical about it ending. Because I’m not happy about it. But I have also learned a lot about what I am looking for, what I need, and how not to fuck it up next time.

Work

The stress of self employment has been one of those relentless pains in the arse that I accepted as a natural part of things… until an opportunity for a full time job landed in my lap and I reconsidered. Being the non-custodial parent now allows me to return to work outside of the house… and it took that offer to make things open up to me that I hadn’t previously considered. So, even though I am still letting the business simmer along, I am also now taking on a contract role at a University.

I am also taking a first year Psych unit to see if I might like to progress into Behavioural Neuroscience for my Clin Psych. It’s something I have always been interested in so I am going to give it a go… being at a loss since deciding not to pursue Medical School. So, who knows, I may end up a Psychologist if I like it :)

Setting up house

I love my new house. I have finally gotten it to a place where I have everything I need, and genuinely enjoy hanging out here. As an introvert, my home environment is very important to me, so I prioritised it and it is looking good. I have a place to relax and hang out.

Given where I was a few months ago, I feel ready to face the next phase. I plan on being alone for a while, assuming this breakup is for keeps (I am still in the “it’s just a misunderstanding surely” phase, but that’ll pass!), and try to find a routine that does not depend on other people being around. So, onwards and upwards, I guess…?

Insanely busy & a quick update.

by admin on November 13, 2010 in Separation & Divorce with No comments

I have been ridiculously busy and preoccupied with other things lately, I haven’t had 5 minutes of downtime in the last 2 months… it’s been utter insanity. So I figured I’d do a super-mega-update-blog-post to address a few bits & pieces. I have a few drafts that I’ll be publishing this week, but I am so ridiculously behind… and yet have so much I need to write about!

1. D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Well, that’s been a right pain in the arse, I’ll admit. Jason and I are trying really, really hard to navigate our way through our separation. We won’t be getting back together, and naturally, having married so young it’s been a fairly difficult thing to do. It’s certainly not been made any easier being online, especially on Twitter. But, we are trying very hard and, despite a few major hiccups, I think we are doing OK.

I find it amusing how much gossip I’ve been privvy to about the Perth Twitter crowd (the social one, not the business/my group of friends one). It’s seedy and gross… they are ALL sleeping with each other. If there’s one thing I have learned this last few weeks is that there are some vicious people out there. People who, for whatever reason want to see me suffer. I am an idealist – I always see the best in people and I have been bitterly disappointed to learn that some people are just nasty. It’s surprising, given that I have never gone out of my way to hurt anyone. I’ve been forced to accept this as a fact of life. It’s hard for me to do, on top of all the other struggles with having to navigate my way through a very public, very humiliating breakup.

Jason ended up leaving Twitter altogether, and I think it’s a good idea. The only way I was able to stay was to try and navigate my way through it, and use the block button. A lot. I have been hit on by just about every sleazebag there is on there (not that they are all sleazebags, but still), and Jason was manipulated by one ‘in-the-middle-of-drama-repeat-offender’ into thinking she was interested. It’s sick. If these people spent half as much time on their careers as they did involving themselves in other people’s divorces, they wouldn’t be in their 30′s and struggling for work. Just saying.

I also find it interesting that Jason’s parents have suddenly decided to start helping him out. I think it’s great that they are doing it, but with all of the awful, awful things that have happened to us over the years, and them never having done more than token babysitting… it’s a little hurtful to see them jump in and help the way they should have all along. I always knew they didn’t like me. They wanted me as a wife & mother and nothing more, and I could never live up to that. It crystallised for me when my ex-Father-in-Law chastised me for my decision to go to Medical School. Yeah, *I’m* the problem.

But, all in all, we are doing OK. Jason is having a harder time of it, but… that’s inevitable. I am optimistic about our ability to be friends with time.

2. Dating

When we initially separated, I was adamant that I wouldn’t be involved in another relationship for some time. Jason and I were together at 17. We broke up & I dated a few men, but I really am, in many ways, thrust back into the world of a 17 year old’s view on relationships… because I don’t know myself as an adult without Jason in it. We built a life, had a family, and have shared a lot of fucked up things that no one should ever have to go through… and in order to not repeat the same mistakes I did with him, or to find myself in another relationship for the wrong reasons… I needed to be alone.

But, something surprising happened. I met someone quite unexpectedly. Someone who gets that my head is all fucked up and not in any way ready for a new serious relationship. It’s complicated…very complicated. I have children and he doesn’t. He’s younger than me. I’m just out of a relationship I grew up in and am still figuring out who I am without it. I am still grieving for my Grandma. I have health problems and stress and am emotionally volatile and just not ready or able to fall in love. But I am in a whole lot of immense like right now, because despite all these massive hurdles, he is like no one I have ever met. He’s smart. Really smart… in that off-the-wall cerebral but shit-stirry way. I like that. And he allows me to be crazy and process things… and he’s just… wise. We have a lot in common. So I am “dating” him, but both of us know that it is a really good friendship. We won’t be getting married and we both know it’ll end at a point when we are ready to move on. But, it’s a special friendship that also has an attraction, so it’s good right now. And right now is all I am thinking about because I need to learn more about myself first.

3. Medical School

I had to withdraw from Biomed and made the tremendously difficult decision to not pursue Medical School anymore. I hate it. I resent the FUCK out of it, but I was given a very harsh talking to by a few people (including Doctors), who said I would kill myself if I did it. Did I mention I resent the fuck out of that decision? Well, yeah. I do. I am still undergoing a few more final tests and then I’ll write an in-depth Health update, but, my body is fucked.

I am trying to grow my business to a point where money isn’t an issue (or time) and am hoping to take the consolation prize of studying a Behavioural Neuroscience Degree at Monash in a few years. But, right now, my focus is on my business (and paying child support).

I know this is not much of a blog post, but I have other, better-written ones coming in the next few weeks. My workload is huge and because of money stress I can’t afford contractors, so I am literally working 20 hours a day during the week. I also have to prioritise my children on weekends now… and I forgot how I used to work 7 days per week & how my weekends were catch-ups (because my phone rings RELENTLESSLY during the week… but I am getting there.

I am incredibly humbled by a core group of special, special people who have been so supportive of me, even when the crazy comes out. I owe all of you a wine or 7 and you know who you are :)