All posts in Separation & Divorce

Eleven.

by admin on September 6, 2012 in , , , with No comments

Mina, it’s your birthday and you are…OMFG… Eleven years old. I have posted this early for many reasons – partly because I am travelling on your actual birthday and time gets away from me when I get back, but also being the night before I fly to see you for your birthday, it just seems the right time (and mindset) to write your birthday post. With wine. Having missed you for a month.

It’s amazing, actually, the kind of pressure I feel now as I write this, not only because of my absence in your day-to-day life and trying to say something meaningful and reassuring that will somehow, magically, make up for that (I know it won’t), but also because this year, I heard the words that will make any mother recoil in horror:

“I read your blog, Mum”.

It’s enough to stop me dead in my tracks, really. Despite you not having a problem with it and reassuring me that you liked reading my posts, I have to be honest – I contemplated not writing a birthday post at all, because I know you are growing up and don’t necessarily need your mother gushing about you online for all and sundry to read. I want you to know that I nearly didn’t. But… bear with me. I promise I won’t embarrass you (too much).

It’s strange how something as simple as a blog post can come to mean so much, and have so much impact on someone’s life, as it has mine. This blog, that I have been writing for all of the time you have existed on this planet, well… it is quite an extraordinary thing to read back on. Much like going through old photo albums, going through and reading the letters I have written to you in the past provides just… so much reflection and insight into my thoughts and state of mind at the time. And I feel that pang of regret when I read it, because, there were times when life was a lot easier for you. And life will get harder, and more complex, and… well…

Much like photographs, my blog entries, for better or worse are a snapshot in time, that one day, will hopefully provide you with comfort.

I speak from experience.

As you probably know, I have a photograph that is 1″ wide and 1.5″ tall, in an oval frame, sitting on my bookshelf. It is innocuous, barely even noticeable, but it is the only photograph that I have of Grandma Chris, because she avoided photos. Well, that and our fractured family meant that, basically, I have one photo.

But, Grandma’s reluctance and fear of embarrassment means that now… there’s no photos. No record. I know it’s morbid, but…

I don’t want that for you. I want you to understand, and know that I love you. Have it written here, stored by the Internet in forever-land, that I battled daily with my decision to move away. But, I love you, and I fought, and continue to try to make it work. I made choices that I think will be better, and provide you with opportunities that can’t be provided in Perth, in the long term. And hopefully make you see that there is a world bigger than sitting around, staring at the TV, waiting to die.

It’s strange though, having written this blog for this long, that in part was started so that you would read about the cute and funny things you said and have a laugh at the “letters in a shoebox” when you were older… has, through the life of the blog, somehow morphed into this big, complicated need to tell my “side of the story”. My actual side of the story will come when you are an adult. In private. That is a private discussion that will no doubt occur, but just know that, in those moments where you doubt that I love you, or that I don’t miss you, or that I am not doing my very best with a situation where my hands are tied… I want you to know that… I’ve done my very best.

And that, right there, is why I decided to write the post. So you don’t have a 1″ photograph when you need me, and know that… in my words… that it’s going to be OK.

Happy birthday.

Mum x

Whew.

by admin on August 3, 2012 in , , with No comments

It has been so long since I have blogged… this started as a Facebook status and I thought “hey… why not blog it and then people will think I am totally not neglecting my blog… suckas! ha ha ha”.

I am now almost 4.5 months into making the best and most liberating (and yes, terrifying) decision of my life. I am not generally adverse to making those kinds of risky decisions – I mean – I generally have a pretty adventurous disposition – but nothing has really paled to the decision to leave Perth to live in Sydney.

“Big deal”, is what most people would say… however… the decision to be further away from your children is one that is not easy. Most people just don’t understand, and some even go so far as to openly judge me for it. But, I love my children. I didn’t do it lightly. And… thus far, I think I am making it work.

When faced with the difficult choice between one piece of your heart (my career) over another (my children), there will always be doubt. And people will always have an opinion. And believe me, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t scrutinise that choice.

But as I sit here, after a week filled with some amazing developments for the business, and sharing it with someone… incredible… and with the once-tense relationship with my ex husband turning around into a positive co-parenting relationship, I realise that sometimes… you just have to go with your gut, even if everyone else thinks you are making a mistake.

On a day to day basis, I try to forget/suppress how much I miss the kids. I keep myself busy and fill it with distractions. We FaceTime as much as possible, and I try really hard to make it work.

I manage to forget the pain, for the most part, until I have a ticket booked to see them, and start preparing to have Moo again. We do month-on-month off with him, because he is not yet at school. And when my month comes around… I get so excited that I am reminded how much I miss my babies.

Missing them is such a normal part of my day and I am so busy I don’t give myself time to think about it…. that when the anticipation and excitement kicks in… I realise…”wow… that REALLY hurts”. And yeah, when I am exhausted or have a few glasses of wine… I get sad. I mean… who wouldn’t?

But, 4.5 months in and I realise, that Sydney is my home. I love it here. I made the right choice. Yes, it’s difficult. And there are aspects that do provide me with some stress and incertainty. But, nothing in life is certain (as the breakdown of our marriage proves), and… I am simply doing my best. I am finally starting to rebuild my life after an awful 3 years… and things are starting to work out. Sure, my kids may have a different view, and I am prepared for that (and would never blame them), but… I am trying to make it work.

And, my ex is coming around in a way I never expected him to, being more flexible with the kids and visits… and as money improves, hopefully it won’t even be an issue.

As I reflect on the craziness of the last 6 months, it hits me that, despite the odds, I reckon we can actually make this work. Against incredible odds, I reckon we can. And if there is anything that you can get out of this… it’s that you should follow your gut. Trust it. Make difficult choices as necessary, but follow your gut.

Just roll with it.

by admin on January 19, 2012 in , , with No comments

I am a “public figure”. And you are too. We are all public figures and it’s changing the world.

In 2012 – in the age where private citizens are all living publicly through social media, we all have to navigate our way through the private/public divide. It’s weird, because, as my “profile” increases, I have had to grapple internally with the idea that what I say… actually matters. And that I have reached a point where I now have to play by a different set of rules.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my ex-husband about what I say online. Like most people navigating through a break-up, we (I) have said things via social media (in the heat of the moment) that were not very nice. For the most part, I think we do OK, and we decided to mutually unfollow, unfriend… and move on. And for the most part, that works.

The other day, I called him a dickhead on Twitter.

It’s innocuous enough, right? I mean, people get called a dickhead every day on the internet. Hell, people call me a dickhead (and worse) on a daily basis! Almost everyone who shares on social media has done a heat-of-the-moment update… especially during a break-up. It’s certainly something most people I know have been guilty of from time to time.

But they aren’t me. Something has shifted where suddenly, I am held to a different standard. I don’t understand it, and I actually grapple with it a lot… but… I guess I have had to accept it.

When he initially raised it, I laughed. It seemed absurd that he would be so precious about it. Because he knows that 99% of the time, I don’t think he’s a dickhead. In fact, I think he’s a good person, a wonderful father and we are trying very hard to get along for the sake of our children. We don’t follow each other, we stay out of each other’s way for the most part, and the crux of my defence? How on earth is he reading it if we aren’t following each other?

He then said something that made me finally get it.

“Do you not realise you are everywhere?”

It was at that moment that I apologised.

Because, no, even though, intellectually, I know my Klout Score and see my blog stats and all those things… but… no… I don’t. I am just this person with a Twitter account who has always just tweeted like 5 people are reading. And now I find myself having to abide by a different code to others.

The reason I am talking about this discussion is not to justify my actions, rather to illustrate my main point.

There comes a tipping point between private citizen, chatting on the net… and “public” commentator. It’s something I have not yet reconciled, and up until recently, have seen it as a mere side effect of being opinionated. I’ve been blogging for 10 years. Writing on the internet for almost 20 years. I am doing now what I have always done, which is… just… write for my circle.

In 2012, however, things are changing. What I write spreads. And spreads quickly. No kidding… I get recognised on the street! What I say, more often than not, incites people to act, think… hold an opinion. It’s the nature of “influence”. It’s actually quite terrifying to think about, because (until recently) I have never actively sought influence, or recognition beyond my immediate circle… others just decided to listen along the way, to the point where I now represent a community.

It’s bizarre. I polarise, I have fans, I have haters. I get complimented & more smoke blown up my arse than many would want in a lifetime. I get insulted, I have had people stalk and physically threaten me. Even when people aren’t talking to me, they are talking about me: mostly positive, sometimes negative – most of it completely baseless (because… I really only have 3 close people who know anything about me, really…)… but…

My ex is right. Who wouldn’t be upset if they were called a dickhead by someone in my position? Where everyone in Perth, and beyond, had a picture of who he was based on shit that I have said in the moment?

It’s a really tough issue that I have not entirely reconciled within myself. That line between the sharing of my life that gave me this influence (after all, our married life was a big part of the content of this blog for 8 years!)… and realising that I also have a responsibility now, as a public figure, to behave differently.

Being held to a different set of standards to the “general population” is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes me want to do better and try to lead by example. Part of that involves now trying to avoid collateral damage in my personal relationships. Anyone that I date, marry, whatever, will be subjected to all of this… stuff. It’s weird, for sure… and it has taken me a while to even acknowledge that people listen to what I say. But it’s actually very difficult to be under the scrutiny of strangers, and even harder to know and accept that there are people that hate you.

Of course, it goes with the territory and I am certainly not complaining about it. But, for those who have tried to feed conflict in my personal relationships – think about things you have said online. And think about what would happen if people actually started reading it, picking it apart. Acting on it. It’s not an easy responsibility to have (especially when you don’t even realise people DO read).

I guess the first step is to acknowledge that there are different rules from now on, and try to still be the character people relate to. I’m trying to deal with this as best I can… and the first step is to apologise. And be more aware of the power my words have. Which is fucking AWESOME. I am so lucky. But, I need to do better.

I am… OK.

by admin on October 8, 2011 in , , with No comments

I have been going on lots of long walks lately. Not only is it great for pain management and my insomnia, but it also allows me to do a LOT of thinking about various stuff.

I haven’t really had lots of time to reflect on where I am. The last few years were so focused on survival… I think I lost myself at some point.

But it has hit me that I need to step up. The divorce is being finalised, I am on my way to being back on my feet, I have my grief under control for the most part… and… you know… when I think about it…

I am doing pretty well.

I’ve been to hell and back the last few years, but.. considering… I think I am doing OK.

The only real remaining thing is my major, major issues with trust, abandonment & being a complete control freak trying to avoid being hurt.

It was cute grappling for control when I was a kid. It made me wise. It made me resilient and independent. It got me through a pretty shitty upbringing.

It was a barely tolerable idiosyncrasy in my 20s. Being hospitalised, writing lists for the Doctors rounds. Being self righteous and precocious.

It was my rescue in the last few years. Grappling for control in a freefall situation…it got me through.

But now? I think it has run its course. I don’t need to control everything. And as much as I lament about my daughter’s seriousness and wish she’d just relax… I need to remind myself that the world won’t cave in if I am not in complete control of every situation.

My control issues, particularly with regard to trust, is now a problem. It is a maladaptive pattern that actually does me (and others) damage. Every potential relationship I have had… it rears it’s ugly head when I am not able to control or predict the outcome… or, more specifically, someone ELSE has the control.

And I have realised today… that it just needs to stop. It’s not working for me anymore. I am not in danger. I am not in freefall. I am OK. So I can actually relax and relinquish control now, because… it’s OK.

The first step is acknowledgement, right? It’s easier said than done, I know. but… I’ll give it a good go.

Pondering.

by admin on January 17, 2011 in , , , with No comments

Where is my head at? I’ve been wondering this for quite some months.

Did I leave the marriage for the right reasons? I was unhappy at the end, but in so many ways, he was a sanctuary from the world.

I wonder, if we hadn’t had so many end on end crises for 3 years…would I have been so unhappy?

Did I leave because I couldn’t cope with the damage the last 3 years did to both of us? Did I leave because of my own grief and despair?

On one hand, I am happier now I have left. I am optimistic that things will work out for the best. I rebounded heavily into a relationship that in another set of circumstances would have been “the one”. But, it didn’t work out and that’s ok.

But then I wonder to myself, is it fair to be pursuing this notion of an idealised relationship? Can I even trust my own judgement?

Because… it’s not all about me.

Is it fair to be seeking this idealised notion of a soulmate, at the expense of my children?

Because, even though I was unhappy at the end, when things were good, they were good. He’s a good man. A good man with an upbringing. A good man who has always been a safe place to land and who I did love.

I am not deciding to go back, but I am merely reflecting on the question… of whether I am being selfish. And, through my depression, can’t see what’s right in front of me. And whether making it work is more rewarding in the long run?

Maybe love *is* a choice? Maybe I am chasing my own ideals. Maybe I’m not even going to find it.

And the fact that it would be operationally easier, better for my kids, and a hell of a lot less exposing and painful for both of us is tempting.

My mother sought her own happiness at the expense of her children. Maybe this is just another pattern I am doomed to repeat?

I am going into counselling this week… I have acknowledged that I have some major grief, some post traumatic stress and some major fucked up childhood stuff to deal with. I am aware that I don’t know who I am without external validation or labels. Which is why figuring it out is important. I’m codependent. But at the same time, I’m potentially fucking up my children in the process and it’s not a factor I consider lightly.

Are there any other people out there who have separated, been certain that they are at the end, but still come back from the brink? I wonder if we should put in the effort. Seek counselling, learn to communicate, learn to love. Because I don’t know if I do trust myself  or my feelings anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted. Thought I had read a situation correctly and I was wrong. I thought that if I took a risk it would pay off. But maybe I am just kidding myself?

15 Again. And Thanks for the Cheese.

by admin on January 3, 2011 in , , with No comments

It’s embarrassing really.

I managed to fuck up a potentially great relationship with my insecurities, and as a result, I have turned into a goddamn teenager. A blithering mess of a stupid, hormonal teenager who thinks her whole world is over.

It’s only been, what, 3 months? But FUCK ME if I hadn’t met someone really special. And, naturally, I am the one that fucked it all up and put him in a position where he had to end it. I’m a tool. And I will always regret it, because frankly, he showed me how easy things can be if you are compatible.

Compatible, of course, except for that whole thing where I have children and am separated. And I am a complete fucking headcase when it comes to my insecurities. And he is 25 and way too young to be even thinking about those sorts of commitments. So, the relationship ended. I’m hurt, and borderline crazy right now. Every so often I get a sort of out-of-body glimpse of how I am carrying on about it all and I just laugh at myself. Embarrassingly.

And I get what all those songs are about… you know… the ones where they croon about how the lost love is the only one and how they wish they could make it right. Ah, that old Universal experience. I had actually written a song a month or so ago for him, that started sort of in a joking way but developed into an almost finished song. Then, we broke up and I finished it in 7 minutes. It was a fun song and turned into a breakup song, but still… I finished a song. I NEVER do that. I have about 100 unfinished song snippets.

And now I get it.

It’s weird that I never felt this way when my marriage ended, or even at any point during my marriage. It’s no insult or disrespect to Jason, but because things started so young and formed predominantly out of relaxed habit, I never quite realised that all that mushy stuff that OTHER PEOPLE ALWAYS DID AND WERE IDIOTS was actually real.

Which is stupid as hell, because now I am walking around, with a constant pit in my stomach, a finished song, an impulse control problem when it comes to SMS and that longing that he’ll change his mind after he realises the mistake he made.

And of course, as much as I hope he will, I know he won’t.

But, I have to laugh. I have spent the last few days reflecting, going in loops and am almost at the other side of it. Still kind of bordering on crazy and every so often I try to think of some grand gesture, or some thing I can say or do or buy… or leaving a note or the song or whatever in his letterbox and then realising that I am being fucking crazy. Wanting to do all sorts of stupid shit when I am normally so level-headed… and just fighting those urges to knock on his door, or call him, or do some huge insane gesture that in the movies is really fucking romantic but in the real world, makes you a STALKER.

And then I laugh at myself for being so gooey, like a teenager. Despite knowing I can’t control him. Despite knowing I did everything I could and that it truly was just bad timing.

But, he’s shown me what’s possible. It is possible to have a connection with someone on a fundamental level. It is possible for things to be easy. It is possible for you to just genuinely admire and appreciate and be a bit gaga over someone, and want to fend off and fight all the bad things that happen to them. And, if someone like that comes along again, I sure hope they can handle my baggage. Because I’ve got craploads. It’s too much to bear for someone younger, I get it.

But, it’s a process, and as an introverted sort, it means lots and lots of walking, lots and lots of beach visits, lots and lots of songwriting and being a stupid teenager and trying not to cross the line into obsession and harassment. Which, admittedly, I may have done once or twice :D

But, I am getting better. I fell in love with someone extraordinary, and that’s a good thing. We went into this knowing it was most likely going to end, and as disappointed as I am, and as much as I still wish he’d change his mind, I’ll move on. But when I do, I’ll now know what is possible. I will need to be able to talk to them about big concepts like philosophy and psychology and health. I’ll need to be able to be a complete goofball. I’ll need to know how they feel. These are good things and as a result, I have decided that I am going to stay single for a few months… just to get my head straight. And yes, hope he changes his mind, but of course I am a sucker for punishment :D

This whole thing is really difficult though. How do people do it? Seriously?

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