I had a big wake up call today. I need to pull myself the fuck out of whatever crap-arse grief psychology I’ve had lately. I’m better than this. My Grandmother used to do this. She would build things up in her head, jump to erroneous conclusions, and dramatically cut people out of her life.
I can think of 4 times when she changed her phone number so we couldn’t call her.
She was passionate and loving and generous. But, she used to spin how much she gave, or how much she cared, or how much she was simply seeking “basic respect” into a tool of manipulation. She would be loving and caring and then BLAMMO if you looked at her the wrong way and you were an ungrateful, hurtful bastard and it was the basis for her to destroy you. She did this to me.
She died alone.
I do the same thing. It became abundantly obvious today.
I have some serious fucking reflection to do, some serious bridge building to do, and I need to wake AND GROW the fuck up or I am going to be in the same boat.
To those I have hurt in the last few years with my fucked up, backward, paranoid behaviour, I apologise. Apologies don’t cut it, I know. I don’t actually deserve forgiveness.
I had a wake up call today. I looked within and didn’t like the person I have become.
I’ve let being a “survivor” dictate and justify my defensive, abusive, fucked up behaviour towards other people one too many times. I push people to the edge. I push people who I care more about on this planet away because of my perception that I don’t deserve them.
Right now, I don’t.
I am not this person. I don’t know who I am.
But this cannot continue.