All posts tagged call

Maladaptive Bullshit.

by admin on January 14, 2011 in with No comments

I had a big wake up call today. I need to pull myself the fuck out of whatever crap-arse grief psychology I’ve had lately. I’m better than this. My Grandmother used to do this. She would build things up in her head, jump to erroneous conclusions, and dramatically cut people out of her life.

I can think of 4 times when she changed her phone number so we couldn’t call her.

She was passionate and loving and generous. But, she used to spin how much she gave, or how much she cared, or how much she was simply seeking “basic respect” into a tool of manipulation. She would be loving and caring and then BLAMMO if you looked at her the wrong way and you were an ungrateful, hurtful bastard and it was the basis for her to destroy you. She did this to me.

She died alone.

Patterns.

I do the same thing. It became abundantly obvious today.

I have some serious fucking reflection to do, some serious bridge building to do, and I need to wake AND GROW the fuck up or I am going to be in the same boat.

To those I have hurt in the last few years with my fucked up, backward, paranoid behaviour, I apologise. Apologies don’t cut it, I know. I don’t actually deserve forgiveness.

I had a wake up call today. I looked within and didn’t like the person I have become.

I’ve let being a “survivor” dictate and justify my defensive, abusive, fucked up behaviour towards other people one too many times. I push people to the edge. I push people who I care more about on this planet away because of my perception that I don’t deserve them.

Right now, I don’t.

I am not this person. I don’t know who I am.

But this cannot continue.

Numbness.

by admin on June 13, 2010 in , with No comments

I now understand what the song ‘Cry Me a River’ means. It’s definitely referring to the snot. After sobbing, numb for 20 minutes after that call.

A lot of crying. And a lot of snot.

And I sit here, half an hour after that call, at 3:30am, knowing that I did everything I possibly could (and then some), and my only preoccupying thought was that my Grandmother died alone.

This is always the risk when you leave the hospice for the night – and I had had this discussion with the nurse today. I thought I had till morning, but I also was prepared for the call. I had told the nurse that I had had my quality time with my Grandma. My life had come to a complete standstill for the last 7 and a half weeks – I have held her, medicated her, fed her, made her laugh, and the majority of me feels OK.

But, she died alone.

I actually wasn’t prepared for that call at all. I lied.

Grief most certainly comes in waves, and even though now it’s only been 45 minutes I have had four separate waves of grief and feel another one coming. Writing this blog post, trying to use a different part of my brain, is the only thing stopping it.

Of course, I am completely numb. My hands are shaking and I am so overwhelmed by the prospect of organising a funeral for the single biggest influence in my life, where only five people are likely to show up because, unfortunately, sometimes a person’s legacy lies in just one person who truly got them.

And all I can hope, as the next wave of sobbing and snot comes, is that I did her proud. And that I can continue to carry with me the humility, the hard work and the kindness that she taught me. And also to not put up with shit. Definitely with the not putting up with shit part.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me. This post is not so much about being “public” as it is to get it all out of the way so I can grieve in private. But thank you for your kind words and support. I owe you all drinks when this is all over.