All posts tagged lot

On "negativity" and "overshare".

by admin on January 9, 2011 in with No comments

There have been a few times over the years where I have been labeled as negative. I have always been genuinely perplexed by this accusation.

Sure, I share a lot of my inner thoughts, and I have been through a lot in the last few years, but fundamentally I am an optimist. Internally, I have managed to bootstrap myself out of all sorts of ordeals, put a positive spin on it and try very hard not to dwell in despair for too long. And when I look over the bulk of the material I produce online, I don’t see it as overly negative. Reflective, honest (sometimes brutally so) and usually philosophical is the intention.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner reflection since my marriage ended. Trying to learn who I was outside of that. Learning about my personality, who I am in my *own* right, without the labels of “wife” and “mother” and “business person” etc attached. And I have learned a whole lot. I have been copping loads and loads of flak from people who just don’t get what I do.

They make claims that I am somehow this “victim”, or that I somehow deliberately upset people, or that I go out of my way to be negative. I copped a hammering on Formspring the other day, and despite me being all chipper and funny about it, it does still surprise me that people have the wrong end of the stick.

I’ve been interested in Psychology for a while, and now that I am studying it I am sort of immersing myself… trying to be as healthy in my mind before I take on the heavy duty job of helping others. I’ve been learning about the Myers-Briggs personality types in much greater depth, reflecting on the information, and basically immersing myself in it (and other things). For many years I considered myself to be an introvert. I have tested pretty consistently as an INFP for as long as I have been aware of the tests. But something never quite sat right with me.

Because I share. I share a lot. I cannot be alone. And even though there is a rich “inner world”, it is nowhere near as introverted or internal as I would have thought. It comes across as needy, or oversharing and I could never quite figure out why I felt this urge to connect with others so much, or seek so much validation from people online. It’s because I am actually an extrovert. I take on energy from being around other people. It’s subtle, and I do struggle with too much “other people” all the time… but I came out the other side of all this learning and realised that I actually do not have this burning desire for aloneness, or recharge time, like other introverts. Sure, I realise that the MBTI is not the be all and end all, and that these are not traits, they are just natural inclinations… but still… it was a bit of an epiphany for me.

“Broken” ENFP’s often test as INFP’s – because they learn self-protective behaviours that stop them from being hurt or rejected. Over the years, I have tried to be “out there” and connect with people, but have been pretty well rejected. I don’t know why this is, and I am trying to learn why that is and what I can do to change it.

Because I don’t have that many close friendships. I find it hard to connect with people – not because I think I am special or above it – but because I find it hard to maintain long lasting relationships with any0ne. I tend to fuck it up by not being self-aware enough about what my needs are, or why I behave in a certain way. Or, I just unknowingly sabotage or challenge relationships with my perfectionism (for myself and other people). I am still figuring that bit out.

The reason I reach out on Twitter when I am processing something is because I *do* seek external validation of my thoughts and feelings. I have the benefit of an audience, and a group of acquaintances on there that are wise, and generally help me when I am in need of some feedback. Social Media is all about the ups and downs of people, and I think it’s a little naive to think that someone who only shares positive thoughts is a generally positive person. And if I do go on a rant, or say something negative, I will generally pull myself out of it pretty quickly.

I have always said that I write like 3 people are reading. And it’s the truth. I liken this blog to a shoebox full of letters, for people to see a glimpse of me 100 years from now. I write for my children, so they can see what’s going through my mind. I really do write for me. The stuff I write can be fairly heavy going, because it really is a stream of consciousness most of the time. I very rarely revisit a post after the first draft… I write to process and the conclusions happen organically as I write.

So why so I share?

My letter to my doctor, that was called too personal, was the catalyst for at least 5 different people writing a letter, getting a diagnosis and treatment.

My blog posts through my Grandma’s cancer was the catalyst for at least 7 people to share their stories of losing their loved ones.

My letters to my children have encouraged countless people to contact me over the years, to tell me that they have tears when they read it and they now write to theirs.

I get contacted every second day by someone, saying that the stuff I share has given them the courage to make changes in their lives, like look at their marriage, or make big decisions in their career… or that the things I have wrote have moved them in some way.

There are people who just don’t get the idea of storytelling. That this is simply my story. That my stories have the wonderful side effect of helping others, and I find this tremendously, TREMENDOUSLY humbling. That I get the privilege of having my words influence others — not many people get that luxury. And I guess the power of the words I use, for as many people as it motivates, it can also have the effect of making other people uncomfortable. I guess that may be where the idea of negativity comes from. Because people don’t see the positive, private feedback that I get. And they also focus on how my writing makes them feel, rather than asking themselves *why* they feel that way.

Because I am a work in progress. I process my thoughts externally, via this blog, and the positive feedback I get far outweighs any of the negative. But, I do worry about these things. I do hurt over the idea that other people seem able to connect and form relationships where I can’t, because I fuck it up. But, I am also learning that it is OK. Because the friendships that I do have are generally worth it.

I am learning to be less defensive. I have a lot of walls that have come from many years of abuse and bad relationships. But, I am not a negative person. I am a resilient person and I am optimistic and positive. And what I do here does good for others. And I need to remind myself of that.

The pondering of the online persona…

by admin on November 5, 2009 in with No comments

I have been thinking a lot about the whole “social media” thing, the whole blog thing, the whole “OMG she swears” thing of late and I still don’t have an answer. I have been using Twitter and Facebook for a long-ish time, and I am conflicted.

I run a comedy blog where I talk about stuff that I would NEVER talk about on the LinkArtist blog. I have many different places for a lot of different thoughts.

Just this week, I have been speaking on social networks about my health problems and my quest for a diagnosis. Sure, my friends and family are interested… but does it reflect on my professionalism? Does it help to explain to clients, on a subliminal level, why I might fall behind on occasion? And more importanty, does it *damage* any perception of my professionalism?

Some of my friends think YES. Some think NO. My friends, it seems are pretty well representative of my inner conflict.

We’re all aware of the “Facebook gone wrong” or more recently the furore over the woman who tweeted her miscarriage during a boardroom meeting. Or all the well-meaning advice about appropriate conduct online… and frankly, I am confused as shit about all of it.

Because as the boss of my very own company (that is quite personality-centric), Twitter and Facebook are excellent ways for people to get to know me better. They are also places where I meet old school friends, talk shit with my “real” friends, and network with colleagues and potential and current clients. It feels like a big warm & fuzzy melting pot, where often my status updates take on a life of their own in the comments… and on a good day, it’s all love and kisses and hugs.

But on a bad day, I look at the stuff I share and I am worried about how it looks to people who aren’t in on the joke. And especially to those prospective clients who don’t realise that my online persona is 20% of who I am.

I go through stages where I use social networks a lot. I also go through stages where I just cannot bear to look at any of it and it just becomes too much input… but ultimately, I really enjoy social networking and that “in the moment”, off the cuff kind of communication that I enjoy.

But, you know, I have SAID SOME SHIT. 99% of the time it is tongue-in-cheek, or deliberately provocative, or just plain vulgar (let’s be honest here). You can generally assume that when I say something there is a big fat smiling face behind it… but I am also acutely aware of the fact that a “foul-mouthed smartarse” (which roughly translates as “woman with opinions”) might turn people off.

I mean, I have a business to run and a reputation to uphold.

And it is these quite conflicted thoughts that run through my head. Ultimately, I end up deciding that a “take no prisoners” approach works for me. I think to have to eat shit and pretend that I *don’t* think these things is probably more damaging in the long run than saying a few dirty words. But it nags me.

Am I just being naive?

Am I seeking instant gratification over long term success?

I go through stages where I lockdown my Twitter feed, or cull Facebook friends (usually because of some interaction with a douchebag who just doesn’t get that I have an online persona separate to me as a person) when I have serious doubts about how my online behaviour might be perceived.

At a meeting with a colleague, he said to me how he talks about my services to (quite important) people, but then inserts a disclaimer “be aware, she swears a LOT” to any potential followers. He doesn’t give me any indication that it’s actually a problem, but I find it interesting that my language is how I am perceived, over the IQ, the good friend, the passion & conviction and the comedian that I see myself as.

It’s all a bit. But how do you explain it?

Should a friend who understands what you are about, who is promoting your services, HAVE to explain?

In other words, am I that uncle that hurls abuse at people whilst his family meekly apologise for his behaviour because “we love him, but that’s just how he is.”

And where do you draw the line?

And is it arrogant of me to assume that people know I am being facetious? That I am a multifaceted, educated, ballsy woman who just happens to enjoy saying the things that noone dare think?

I think all of these things briefly, and then I decide “FUCK IT”. And I post about my urine jug on Facebook.

My business has exploded since being on Twitter and making connections there… but it would be arrogant to assume that it was because of my brutal honesty and comedic candour… and not that my business could actually be bigger if not for my big fat mouth.

What do you do? How do you reconcile it?

If the Devil is 6… Happy Birthday Mina!

by admin on September 10, 2007 in with 9 Comments

After I dropped you off at school today, I sat down with my giant coffee to write this post and I started to tear up every time I tried to think of what to write. You see, part of me wants to pour my heart out and gush about my girl, and part of me doesn’t want the world to know that if you ever want to turn me into a blithering mess, just ask me how I feel about my daughter. See, because then they would know that I am human, and that I am hopelessly in love with someone other than myself, and that can’t be good for anyone. I have a rep to protect after all.

I sit here, a whole lot more emotional about you being 6 than I ever thought I would be. I think its partly because I forgot my happy pills yesterday, but also because I just feel like… everything is OK. You know how you go through something, spend so long just surviving to get through it, that you don’t realise how far you’ve come? Like, the last year, for me, spending the last year just recovering physically, that a year on, the emotion of it all hit me like a tonne of bricks. I had literally just spent the last year just surviving that I had not stopped to really think about things. Also, as I approach 30, I start to think more about my childhood, and how it really wasn’t that great. And I get mad that I had to work 2 jobs just to get through University, that I had to pay my way through everything, that I never got to have “fun” like other teenagers. But then, I realise that it’s over. I am now a woman, and a mother, and I don’t need to fight anymore.

That’s a tremendous burden that has been lifted, and it has taken this long to be able to sit back, and just see my life for what it is: amazing.

You see, I have copped a lot of flak over the years for how I parent you. Some of it was well intentioned advice, some of it just plain malicious. There are many people over the years who have thought that I was too permissive, or too open with you, or too relaxed, or worried too much about being your friend and not your mother. There are those people on parenting boards (that I no longer visit) who told me that my child was going to be unhealthy, a criminal, or worse, purely because I didn’t subscribe to their own militant views on parenting. And for a long time, part of me believed them.

I never had a lot of confidence as a mother. I had you at the age of 22, which, now seems so young. I hit the ground running in many ways, barely an adult myself, with no real reference point on how to be a good Mum. So, all I did was love you, and look after you, the best way I knew how. And it did play on my mind for a long time. I often wondered if I needed to be ‘tougher’, or put more distance between us, for fear of “overmothering” you. I also occasionally wondered if I was too tough, by encouraging you to be independent, and not hover around you obsessively like so many mothers do. I cuddled you when you wanted to be cuddled, and let you go when you wanted to be left alone. I don’t know if I have got the balance right yet, but I am still learning!

When I first found out I was having a girl, I was terrified. I think that fear came from the strained relationship with my own mother, where my biggest fear for you would be that you would feel like I did so many times when I was younger – unloved, or unwanted, or low priority, or that you can’t rely on me, vent with me, cry in my arms, in your times of need. Or that you wouldn’t know that I would lay my life on the line, and endure the most severe torture or ruin, just to see you happy. I’d prefer to not have to do that, of course, but if it came down to it, I hope that you know that I would.

So you being 6 is representative of a whole lot of things for me that are bigger than you understand right now. Just this last few weeks I have been sitting back and looking at my life. I watch you interact with your little brother, and I find myself grinning from ear to ear, even when you’re thumping each other. These 2 confident little people that have come out of the relationship I have with your Dad inspires and amazes me every day. I truly feel blessed to sit next to your Dad, watching both of you play, all of us teasing each other in that anyone-outside-the-Brennan-family-thinks-we’re-weird sort of way, and I have this strong sense that I have, in fact, the most wonderful family on the planet.

And all I want to do is be a good example to you, and show you that women can, in fact, have everything. And that having everything does not necessarily mean doing everything. I may not be a great housekeeper, and yes, occasionally I am distracted with the business, but I would much rather have dishes in the sink and laundry left undone, than to make you feel like you came second to maintaining a facade.

Just now I finished making the cupcakes for your party this afternoon. As I am sure you know by now (when you’re old enough to read this), I always have the best of intentions, and will quite happily go to the cake decorating shop and empty my wallet on all sorts of new fangled plastic devices so that I can make you a perfect cake. Your Dad doesn’t really understand why I want to make your cakes, and they often end up costing me 3 times as much to make as to buy, but, I enjoy it. Well, this year, we did a cupcake thing on a cake stand, and, well, despite my good intentions, the cakes that I intended to look like this:

Actually turned out like this:

And furthermore, the cake stand that I hired (that looked perfect in the store and made me go into a creative frenzy and buy a special hot-to-make cupcakes book JUST for the occasion) decided to collapse with the cupcakes on it. Which also meant that I had re-ice a couple of them. OK, half of them.

But, as I was saying, I am sure you know by now that despite my attempts to be Martha Stewart, more often that not, I end up being more like Roseanne. I bought this icing called Dreamwhip. Which, despite the cake store owner’s assurances that it was easy, I did, in fact, overwhip. But hey, at least it wasn’t like your first birthday cake, where I managed to curdle the icing by over mixing it. It was lovely, pink blobs with bright red liquid. But hey, you ate it anyway.

At which point I should say, if you have inherited my incapacity to bake anything that resembles the recipe, RAINBOW SPRINKLES COVER EVERY MISTAKE.

So, let’s talk a little bit about who you are and what you’re into. You surely are a girl that is hard to categorise. You are just as happy playing dressups as you are climbing a tree in the backyard – and often you will do both at the same time, which often makes me giggle to myself as I watch you trying to negotiate a sandpit in Cinderella glass slippers, or riding your bike like a street hoon with 4 Barbie dolls sitting in the basket.

You are also the only 6 year old girl that I know that is into 90′s music. There have been a number of times that I have walked in your room and have overheard you singing something that was a hit 10 years before you were born. You have the funniest, most eclectic taste in music, listening to everything from the Pixies to Nellie McKay to the Bratz Rock Angels CD.

You have shown a natural affinity for music, which you get from both your Dad and I (after all, music brought us together!), and have lately showed a real aptitude for singing. I have been trying to teach you a little piano, and you love strumming my guitar and really just love music. I hope that you keep this love of music forever.

Watching you start school and blossom into a self confident, independent, and capable kid, makes me prouder than I can ever express in words. Watching you walk off into your classroom, and make friends, and come home with stories about all the things you’ve learned, just amazes me. I am proud that you are slowly learning to read and write, and sound out words. You make little notes and letters for your friends and you draw me so many wonderful pictures, that I am running out of room on my walls. You have also taken to computers with a strong enthusiasm, and I love how I have been able to train you in Firefox. Its not uncommon to see you with 5 tabs all going at once, and you don’t even know what Internet Explorer is. And this nerdy Mum loves you for that!

You really are a beautiful, smart, funny and articulate kid. Which is why, when I sit back and look at the last 6 years of ups and downs, all that surviving and all that self doubt and all the late nights and the “for God’s sake, go to bed” and the “bloody hell, clean your room” and that other stuff and I see a girl that somehow, in spite of me and all my issues, I think that it’s all going to be okay. And that I just might be an OK Mum after all.

Happy Birthday Mina,

Love Mum :)

Cheek bordering on insight.

by admin on November 21, 2006 in with No comments

Mr J has been crabby the last few days. He’s been extra clingy and crying and wanting to sleep a lot.

This morning was about the third day of this, and I was trying to get Mina ready for school but Mr J was being testy. I asked him what was wrong and mumbled to myself about not needing this shit today…

Mina, in her infinite wisdom and oh so matter of factly, says “well Mum, you should’ve thought about that before you made another baby”.

Its almost like she’d been storing that one for a year, waiting for the opportunity to throw it back in my face.

The worst part is, she’s right.