All posts tagged the googletubes

Social Media Experts: let me sell you some snake oil on top of that, eh?

by admin on July 20, 2010 in The Internet with No comments

I want to talk about something that has been bothering me for a while, and that is so-called “Social Media Experts”.

It’s getting worse, people.

Legitimate web businesses, and real internet consultants, are up against one of the biggest scams there is: self-proclaimed “Social Media Experts” who blind people with technobabble in order to sell what is basically a free service combined with common sense. It started with Black Hat SEO (till Google penalised them), continues with the re-badging of Open Source software, and extends into the opportunistic field of self-proclaimed “Social Media Expertise”.

There is a sub-class of salesman, who were too immoral for Used Car sales, who attended the Internet Summit Spamway Conference and think they can offer consultancy services for the low low price of $97. It’s a crock.

I am writing this because I have had enough of good people being conned. I am hearing more and more of companies shelling out thousands of dollars to these “experts”, or going to their free “social media seminars” (which is code for “let me sell you internet timeshare”), and getting poor advice that is nowhere near strategic and absolutely does not justify the money spent.

I get it. You’re busy. You don’t have time for social media. I understand that there are a lot of people who really have a hard time grasping technology, and mean well, and you think that it is something you can pay someone to do. It’s not that simple. And anyone who says it is trying to steal from you.

Social Media is SOCIAL. You would not crash a party with quotes from Gandhi, interspersed with vapid self promotion – would you? I would hope not. Would you send an actor to play you at a gathering? I would hope not. Would you turn your back and walk away if someone came up to you and asked you a question? Well, that’s just rude. And would you just say nothing, and hand out a printout of your latest Press Release? That’s rude, right? And yet this is the shit that these people are telling you to do.

I am going to let you in on a secret: you are being taken advantage of.

Noone follows these people. Noone respects these people. And these people most certainly don’t have a community around them.

You know who does?

REAL PEOPLE. People who turn up to the party, have a drink, have a chat and just make friends. THAT IS SOCIAL MEDIA.

1. Everyone is a social media expert.

Every single person is already an expert in social media if you can talk to people and make friends. The online reflects the offline, and if you just be yourself, you will succeed on the internet. Sure, you may not have the 30,000 followers that the salesmen have guaranteed (read: bought) you. You might only have 1000. But 1000 quality followers is better than 50,000 crap ones. And if you are authentic, and be yourself, you’ll get 1000 quality followers in no time.

Every single person already has the tools to use social media. Twitter, Facebook, Google, Blogger, WordPress, HTML, Javascript, they’re all just words for the technologies you use to communicate the way you always have. It’s no mystery and it’s unethical to pretend it is.

2. It’s not rocket surgery.

If you are paying a consultant to advise you on social media, if they are only giving you advice on tools, then run in the opposite direction. Because if they are focused on tools, they don’t get it. 95% of the good advice on social media doesn’t actually involve which tool to use, or how to do it. If your consultant is not spending 95% of their time talking about concepts rather than tools, they are a lemon.

To really get social media takes a paradigm shift. A good consultant will help you to understand what is happening and how to adapt to it. If they are using a lot of jargon about the tools, your expert is crap. Because frankly, if you cannot figure out how to type what’s happening in 140 characters or less, you don’t need an adviser, you need a miracle of neuroscience.

It’s obvious.

3. If you are paying someone to set up your Facebook and Twitter, you don’t belong there.

As I have said, Social Media is social. I cannot emphasise this enough. If you are not prepared to be yourself, or to let your employees be themselves, then seriously, do us all a favour and get off. You annoy us. We aren’t interested in your Press Release, or your PR messaging, or your carefully crafted spin. Keep it on your website with your RSS & Email subscription forms readily visible. We know how to find you.

On social media networks, we want to engage with three dimensional people.

Every single social media success has a personality. And furthermore, they allow their employees to be themselves. If you are selling me your crap without talking to me first, don’t even bother. Because I buy from my friends.

If I have one wish, it is that people will become more savvy and learn to spot people that are trying to dupe them. They are easy to spot. They use Twitter poorly themselves. They will post Retweets, quotes, articles, but not engage or reply much. They may appear to have 10,000+ followers, but the quality of their followers is poor (and generally their fellow conmen). They focus on the tools rather than the philosophical concepts. They will tell others how to tweet more “professionally” or with an inauthentic, robotic voice. And they will ask for money in exchange for setting up a Twitter account… possibly for a figure with a 7 at the end of it (don’t you know, it’s Spamway psychology!).

If you’re going to jump into social media, do it with an open mind and an open heart. The rest will take care of itself.

In defence of knob gags.

by admin on July 18, 2010 in LOLs, The Internet with No comments

This morning, I woke up to a fun meme on Twitter. The #changelovetoknobsongs hashtag. For those that are unfamiliar with how these things take off, it generally means everyone gets on board, tries to have some fun with it, and after a little while, we all move on and everything goes back to normal. 95% of the posts are crap, but there is a portion that will have you laughing so hard, it is worth it.

When Julia Gillard ousted Kevin Rudd as Prime Minister, #spill was born. #ausvotes2010 has emerged as the hashtag for the Australian Federal Election. It helps people to connect, live, during an event on Twitter. The commentary is a mixed bag. Most of it is crap. But, there are a few gems in amongst it that really highlight the value of Twitter. Not only as commentary, but as a source of comedy. @kevinruddexpm seized that moment during the spill, providing us with lowbrow, but instantaneous humour during the leadership change.

And you know what? I love every minute of it.

Why am I comparing #changelovetoknobsongs to #spill? Well, why not? Both of those were sourced from the very same group of people. Both had roughly the same ratio of comedy to crap. And you know what? Yeah, it’s dick jokes. But that’s not even the point.

There were a few people who got on their high horses about the lameness of the meme. (@jasonjordan @lonefemaletog I am sorry if you think I am singling you guys out here  - much luvs)… but the commentary revolved around it being an “embarrassment” for Twitter. That it is not something you would want to showcase as an example of the power of Twitter. That the jokes were lazy or that “professionals” (still confused about what that even means) would not appreciate the joke.

But the point of Twitter is that it is not the quality of the content, or volume, or even the sophistication of the jokes that matter. It’s that everyone can find an audience, and for a brief moment we can all suspend our grown-upness and be idiots and run with it in the hope of making others laugh. It comes from the ground up. Or, the gutter up, in many cases. But that is precisely why Twitter is so powerful.

Twitter is powerful because people don’t need to censor themselves. Smart people, “professional” people, academics, Doctors, Lawyers, Accountants, IT people, political people, retail assistants, 10, 12, 31, 45, 62… can all play on a level playing field and just be dumb and puerile for a little while. Because we are all 3-dimensional. I am a mother of 3 kids, own a business and have a high IQ. I also (surprisingly) know big words, have table manners and wear clothes from David Jones. I am going to be a Doctor and you know what? I find farts funny. And the day I stop finding farts funny is the day I become everything I hate.

I feel qualified to speak on this because I attract business because of who I am and how I say it on Twitter. I speak in an authentic voice and I make no apologies for doing so. I am friends with the most amazing group of diverse people, many of them “professionals”, and they love me for me. That’s how it should be. Airs and graces and pretence is an outmoded and dying concept. I am thankful to Twitter for allowing me to have my real voice out there.

Formality and hierarchy are slowly being eroded, and of course those who either don’t get that, or those who hold power because of it, will resist it. But ultimately, lowbrow or not, these are the things that are changing society for the better. Where a woman can swear and people *respect* what she’s doing. Where a Doctor or a Lawyer can be a *person* rather than a robot. Where a knob joke or a vagina joke has equal airtime to political commentary. It is eclectic, it is not always high quality, but there are gems if you are open to it. And that is why I will always defend it.

I don’t think I have laughed so much as after joining Twitter. It truly is crowdsourced comedy. And yes, like all crowdsourcing you’ll get amateur crap you have to sort through, but every so often, there is this glimmer of genius, or turn of phrase that makes you realise that it’s truly revolutionary. Not many get it or see it the way I do, I understand that, but you know, seriously, lighten the fuck up.

Poo. Bum and Wee. Burp. Fart.

Apple fans shit me and here's why.

by admin on June 26, 2010 in Politics, The Internet with 4 Comments

It is currently 1 degree celsius outside, which, by Australian standards, is about 5 degrees higher than the coldest night Perth has ever had. It’s cold. I am wearing layers and have a heater. It’s cold.

And what are some people doing tonight? Why, they are camping outside the new Apple Store that opens tomorrow, that’s what. As you do.

There is no new product. The iPad came out last month and it is available at several other stores. The iPhone 4 is out, I guess, but it’s a phone and most likely going to be available at every mobile phone kiosk at the same time.

Now, maybe I am just old, but WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE SLEEPING OUT FOR A NEW STORE? It’s not like they are going to get anything, right? Is Steve Jobs going to come down from Heaven and jizz iTunes vouchers all over everyone? Hardly. Maybe a couple of people might get an umbrella but shit, you can buy one on eBay if you’re particularly desperate.

Now, look, we are an Apple family. To date, we own:

  • 1 iMac
  • 2 Macbook pros
  • 2 iPhones
  • 1 iPod touch
  • 1 iPod shuffle
  • 1 LED screen
  • 1 x Mac Mini
  • 2 x iPads

And an Apple lamp in my office. Shut up, it’s got nice light.

We really like Apple.

However, I need to officially distance myself from the Apple fanbois from now on because you know what? Apple fanbois give me the absolute shits. I know that people like to have a laugh at Apple’s expense and say that it’s all just hype, and blind oohing, aahing and eventually purchasing of everything Jobs shits out at the keynote, and it is this claim that frustrates me to no end.

And you know why? Because the fanbois make a company that actually makes very good quality products seem like nothing but a shiny gadget for the mindless, designer-label-consuming middle class. Instead of being seen with credibility and quality, as both Apple hardware AND customer service deserve, it ends up being aligned with latte-sipping, cargo-pant-wearing snotty nosed brats.

My computer is a workhorse. I switched to Mac for purely business reasons, and it is now my preference… but HOLY FUCK you idiots who are sleeping outside the Apple store? You make me look like a fucking idiot whenever I try to present a serious case for why Macs are more than just “hip”. They are excellent computers that are still running years after the best-config PC has died. I can ring Apple Care and get brilliant customer service. I can order a computer and it will arrive within 24 hours, and there will very rarely be a problem.

And yet, somehow, I am now aligned with the idiots who will go out in the freezing cold, for GOD KNOWS WHY and for GOD KNOWS WHAT, and yet again, I have to sit there, with my Apple lamp, thinking that somehow these people have managed to turn a computer into a religion. And Karl Marx always did say that religion was the opiate of the masses and I start to think “man, that guy was right”. And then I think that Karl Marx may have used a Mac and I get pissy again.

Well, I do believe that is called a backlash…

by admin on March 15, 2010 in The Internet with No comments

I have had such an amazing response from my post yesterday about why I have decided to quit Facebook. So many people have emailed me and DMed me on Twitter voicing their support and similar concerns.

It has got me thinking a LOT about why I decided to end it. It seemed like a bit of a knee-jerk reaction at the time, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that Facebook is an addiction. It’s weird for me to admit that, because I honestly wouldn’t say that I use Facebook any more than your average desk-bound person. In fact, in many ways, I use it a lot less (don’t use those stupid applications like Farmville etc). So it’s weird that I would be saying that I feel “addicted” to Facebook.

It makes me wonder out loud how the brain responds to notifications, messages, likes etc… and whether there is some propensity in people to become addicted to an endorphin rush via a psychological reward system… and that withdrawal from that is something similar to an actual physical withdrawal.

It’s weird, because when I sat down today to start work, I checked Twitter. I checked email. I didn’t check Facebook. And it was all compete in 20 minutes. My typical day would generally be me checking email, checking Twitter, checking Facebook, getting lost in Facebook for half an hour, wondering what this-person-meant-by-this and why-they’ve-commented-on-her-status-but-not-mine and my-friends-obviously-all-hate-me… then checking email & Twitter again until it was 11am.

Today, I did some work, my phone rang. I spoke on the phone, found a pause and, like some sort of weird automatic nervous tick, opened Safari. Then realised that I didn’t have any Facebook. I have done this at least… 3 times today.

It’s at that point that I actually realised how many times a day I would log-in without even thinking about it. Not to mention the times I have been out and about somewhere and been on the iPhone app, or whatever.

If you had asked me a week ago how much I use Facebook, I would have said maybe once or twice a day, some days more, some days not at all, because that’s about the time I am active and reply. But the number of times I CHECK Facebook per day would be at least 8-10. Possibly even more. And I would honestly not have even realised I was doing it, because I stay logged in all the time.

I genuinely feel at a bit of a loss for myself because I am quite literally fitting in a work day and having spare time. I NEVER have spare time. I am studying full time, running a business and trying to be a parent for at least 5 minutes a day. Suddenly, I can fit it in.

I really had no idea how much of my day was taken up with Facebook till I quit cold turkey.

How about you? Be honest…

Why I deactivated my Facebook Account (and will probably delete it).

by admin on March 14, 2010 in The Internet with No comments

It’s hard to imagine a world without hyper-connectivity. It started with mobile phones, extended into social media and at the moment, the biggest trend is telling people where you are, what you are doing AT THIS VERY SECOND AND HERE’S A MAP OF THE RESTAURANT I AM EATING AT.

I attended a Conference where people were lauding Facebook and Twitter (and related services) as a revolution in the way we communicate. Whilst this is partially true, I think that not enough attention has been given to the potential pitfalls of evangelising it.

With all of the geeky tech things like FBConnect & APIs aside, which are very exciting and allow for many possibilities, what is the real personal cost of hyperconnectivity?

This is something I have been pondering for quite a while, so for anyone thinking it’s just one event and want to say “OMFG WHAT HAPPENED?”… relaaaax. It’s not about you. Or you. Or you.

And I am not talking about the headlines that drag social media in, like “MYSPACE MURDERS!”, “TWITTER BLAH BLAH”.

What are the real, actual effects on your day?

For me, because I work in front of a screen all day and often in a browser, Facebook is just a streaming timeline of everyone’s day. Mine included. But it’s become more pervasive than that and I believe that it has started to affect my psyche. It dominates my day, it is integrated into my thoughts. It sometimes even completely wastes my day. And sometimes, I will admit that it affects me negatively.

But you know? I hit a point where I realised that at least 95% of the people on my list never commented, never contacted me, never showed any interest. And I hadn’t actually met. And I share my innermost thoughts with them more often than anywhere else. It’s not real.

And for the people that I *had* met… it changed the dynamics, where non-comments resulted in me assuming I had been hidden, or made me second-guess friendships, or made me think to end them altogether.

It’s a bit of a destructive force in the life of someone, like me, who derives energy from other people… who lives their life very much (too much) to please others, to seek acknowledgement from others… to have this medium that allows it to become my fuel.

So now, I have decided to deactivate my account for 30 days, as an experiment, just to see what happens. I am still contactable on Twitter, Email, and good old fashioned telephone. But I am just interested to see what happens. Don’t assume I have deleted you, because I haven’t :)

It will be interesting to see who contacts, who emails, who calls… not just as a dramatic exit and “I’m taking my ball home”, but as a truly intellectually interesting exercise to see if a) I can live without it b) any of those relationships continue outside of it and c) whether others join me.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this, too… assuming, of course, anyone reads blogs anymore (seeing as I am not posting this on Facebook! ;))

In the name of MY children.

by admin on December 15, 2009 in Parenting, Politics with No comments

I have a rule that if a Facebook status or Tweet is too long, it should go on the blog, so here goes:

You know, I wish that politicians would stop using MY children, and their so-called protection, as an excuse for pandering to the religious right. You know what? My kids surf Youtube. Unsupervised. Because I have TAUGHT THEM to have a fucking brain and know how to use the internet responsibly.

It’s this little thing called parenting – you know, where you need to make HARD DECISIONS about morality. HARD DECISIONS about education. HARD DECISIONS about how to turn them into decent, sensible & functional human beings.

IT’S HARD.

That’s why it’s called parenting and not “sitting idly”.

I am getting shitted off with this generation of parents – who paradoxically, on one hand,  thrust their neurotically over-parented, micromanaged, over-extra-curricularised precocious little turds into society with no social skills, thinking that they are so much more important than other people, unable to do anything without it being part of a program, or a structured activity… where, these batshit crazy people have somehow become NORMAL in the name of “protecting the children”.

These idiots purchase devices like wipe warmers, designer organic t-shirts for $200 and Mensa tests for their 2 year olds (who, by virtue of learning to sit up a whole month early, is the next Albert fucking Einstein)…

And then, on the other hand, also fail to do the basic stuff like, you know, teaching their kids manners, self respect and basic protective behaviours.

Because parenting is more than just veneers, gimmicks & products. It actually takes effort.

And our politicians have co-opted this idea in order to push through policies that pander to the smallest percentage of God bothering, anti-woman, anti-sex religious zealots whose immediate impulse is to kill anything they don’t understand, all the while slashing the real child protection funding and funding for domestic violence programs, you know the stuff where kids ACTUALLY GET RAPED & BEATEN ON A DAILY BASIS… putting greater and greater burdens on the teaching profession, the health department & the police force who deal with actual, real harm to children on a daily basis.

Ask any welfare worker how long their case queues are. In busy Department for Community centres, there are children that are at risk every day that have been queued for other children, who are at more immediate risk, because the Department can’t keep up with its caseload.

And then they use the protection of children as an argument for the filter? Are you fucking KIDDING me? I parent my children. I nurture my children. I love them. But you don’t trust me enough to make the right decisions for my children’s upbringing?

The internet filter is just more cotton wool for a generation of professional overparenting cunts, who use “for the children” as a catch-all excuse to police other people. It’s just another gadget, another smokescreen, to distract the dumb consumer yuppies from the real harm that this government does to children every day from it’s inaction and lack of funding.

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