All posts tagged time

A Health Update.

by admin on February 7, 2011 in Health with No comments

It has been some time since I gave a “proper” health update. I have written about various aspects in isolation, but I thought I would do a proper update for those that have been wondering how I am doing.

I am doing… okay. It’s really hard to be sure, because there are a few issues that are concerning me. And the overlap between my mental health/stability, my neurological impairments, and my physical health seem to have so much overlap that it is very difficult to see where one begins and one ends.

The dominant theory (and it is still only a theory until properly determined with all the tests & response to treatment), is that I have Lupus & concurrent Hughes Syndrome. More specifically, the kind of Lupus that attacks my Central Nervous System. It’s not fun. I switched Doctors (again), and even though it is hard to get in to see him and it is a slow process, we appear to have nailed it. I have been prescribed a whole bunch of drugs, some with food, some without, some half an hour before… it’s a real juggle, but the medications seem to have a positive impact.

I am battling with some neurological issues – particularly with the return of mild seizure sensations, peripheral tingling and mental fogginess. My joint pain is manageable, and paradoxically, exercise seems to be the best thing for my pain management. My emotional stability is one thing that is a wild card here. It seems intrinsically linked to my hormonal cycle. I initially thought it was environmental (a good portion of it is I am sure), but my stress response is abnormal.

So, I am on ADHD meds, back on Cymbalta and, for the first time in my life, have committed to seeing a Clinical Psychologist to finally address & deal with a lot of the stuff that’s been going on. My mental health is so intrinsically linked to my physical health… and I had to acknowledge to myself (and others) that I am just not coping. Whether the basis for it is physical, environmental, behavioural… (I am sure it’s a combination of all three), I need to learn to deal with it.

My treatments are really, really expensive. Clinical Psychologist is weekly, I pay hundreds of dollars a month in drugs. But, it’s OK, because I am slowly starting to feel some improvement. I am exercising quite a bit too, which helps not only to clear the head, but is good for the natural endorphins.

I expect in the next few weeks to finally have a definitive diagnosis. I have had some grief around it. I initially felt relief and candour about the whole thing… because FINALLY after 15 years, I have a “label”. But now, the very real realities of what Lupus means have started to sink in. But, it’s a work in progress. My steroids are increased and we have a plan of action rather than discovery, for the first time in many, many years. I know I won’t be able to beat it, but I can certainly try to outrun it.

On "negativity" and "overshare".

by admin on January 9, 2011 in Relationships with No comments

There have been a few times over the years where I have been labeled as negative. I have always been genuinely perplexed by this accusation.

Sure, I share a lot of my inner thoughts, and I have been through a lot in the last few years, but fundamentally I am an optimist. Internally, I have managed to bootstrap myself out of all sorts of ordeals, put a positive spin on it and try very hard not to dwell in despair for too long. And when I look over the bulk of the material I produce online, I don’t see it as overly negative. Reflective, honest (sometimes brutally so) and usually philosophical is the intention.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner reflection since my marriage ended. Trying to learn who I was outside of that. Learning about my personality, who I am in my *own* right, without the labels of “wife” and “mother” and “business person” etc attached. And I have learned a whole lot. I have been copping loads and loads of flak from people who just don’t get what I do.

They make claims that I am somehow this “victim”, or that I somehow deliberately upset people, or that I go out of my way to be negative. I copped a hammering on Formspring the other day, and despite me being all chipper and funny about it, it does still surprise me that people have the wrong end of the stick.

I’ve been interested in Psychology for a while, and now that I am studying it I am sort of immersing myself… trying to be as healthy in my mind before I take on the heavy duty job of helping others. I’ve been learning about the Myers-Briggs personality types in much greater depth, reflecting on the information, and basically immersing myself in it (and other things). For many years I considered myself to be an introvert. I have tested pretty consistently as an INFP for as long as I have been aware of the tests. But something never quite sat right with me.

Because I share. I share a lot. I cannot be alone. And even though there is a rich “inner world”, it is nowhere near as introverted or internal as I would have thought. It comes across as needy, or oversharing and I could never quite figure out why I felt this urge to connect with others so much, or seek so much validation from people online. It’s because I am actually an extrovert. I take on energy from being around other people. It’s subtle, and I do struggle with too much “other people” all the time… but I came out the other side of all this learning and realised that I actually do not have this burning desire for aloneness, or recharge time, like other introverts. Sure, I realise that the MBTI is not the be all and end all, and that these are not traits, they are just natural inclinations… but still… it was a bit of an epiphany for me.

“Broken” ENFP’s often test as INFP’s – because they learn self-protective behaviours that stop them from being hurt or rejected. Over the years, I have tried to be “out there” and connect with people, but have been pretty well rejected. I don’t know why this is, and I am trying to learn why that is and what I can do to change it.

Because I don’t have that many close friendships. I find it hard to connect with people – not because I think I am special or above it – but because I find it hard to maintain long lasting relationships with any0ne. I tend to fuck it up by not being self-aware enough about what my needs are, or why I behave in a certain way. Or, I just unknowingly sabotage or challenge relationships with my perfectionism (for myself and other people). I am still figuring that bit out.

The reason I reach out on Twitter when I am processing something is because I *do* seek external validation of my thoughts and feelings. I have the benefit of an audience, and a group of acquaintances on there that are wise, and generally help me when I am in need of some feedback. Social Media is all about the ups and downs of people, and I think it’s a little naive to think that someone who only shares positive thoughts is a generally positive person. And if I do go on a rant, or say something negative, I will generally pull myself out of it pretty quickly.

I have always said that I write like 3 people are reading. And it’s the truth. I liken this blog to a shoebox full of letters, for people to see a glimpse of me 100 years from now. I write for my children, so they can see what’s going through my mind. I really do write for me. The stuff I write can be fairly heavy going, because it really is a stream of consciousness most of the time. I very rarely revisit a post after the first draft… I write to process and the conclusions happen organically as I write.

So why so I share?

My letter to my doctor, that was called too personal, was the catalyst for at least 5 different people writing a letter, getting a diagnosis and treatment.

My blog posts through my Grandma’s cancer was the catalyst for at least 7 people to share their stories of losing their loved ones.

My letters to my children have encouraged countless people to contact me over the years, to tell me that they have tears when they read it and they now write to theirs.

I get contacted every second day by someone, saying that the stuff I share has given them the courage to make changes in their lives, like look at their marriage, or make big decisions in their career… or that the things I have wrote have moved them in some way.

There are people who just don’t get the idea of storytelling. That this is simply my story. That my stories have the wonderful side effect of helping others, and I find this tremendously, TREMENDOUSLY humbling. That I get the privilege of having my words influence others — not many people get that luxury. And I guess the power of the words I use, for as many people as it motivates, it can also have the effect of making other people uncomfortable. I guess that may be where the idea of negativity comes from. Because people don’t see the positive, private feedback that I get. And they also focus on how my writing makes them feel, rather than asking themselves *why* they feel that way.

Because I am a work in progress. I process my thoughts externally, via this blog, and the positive feedback I get far outweighs any of the negative. But, I do worry about these things. I do hurt over the idea that other people seem able to connect and form relationships where I can’t, because I fuck it up. But, I am also learning that it is OK. Because the friendships that I do have are generally worth it.

I am learning to be less defensive. I have a lot of walls that have come from many years of abuse and bad relationships. But, I am not a negative person. I am a resilient person and I am optimistic and positive. And what I do here does good for others. And I need to remind myself of that.

I've come a long way.

by admin on December 28, 2010 in Relationships, Separation & Divorce with No comments

It’s been about 5 months since my marriage ended, and boy has it been a huge journey.

I have grappled with so many things, that I need to break them into some individual posts, but, at the risk of tempting the Universe with another disaster, I am starting to feel like I am doing OK. Yeah, I said it now. Do your worst, Universe.

Separation

I think we’re starting to work through all the anger and frustrations, and we are finally starting to feel more like friends again. As long as I avoid the big hot-button issues, like, where they live, we can maintain a civil conversation for the most part. It’s still going to take time, but I am optimistic that we are making progress.

The absent parent

This one is hard. Being self-aware enough to admit that I didn’t work as the custodial parent was a huge, huge deal. I have to deal with a lot of strong emotions – predominantly guilt – and I miss the children so much it hurts. But, I also know that after 2 days on my own with them, I turn into a screaming mess. Jason always provided the things I couldn’t – and so even though it is not easy, I am happy for him to have care of the kids.

Another difficult part is having to accept the idea that my children will form relationships with anyone Jason dates. We’ve discussed it and agree that him & I are the parents – we do not expect other parties to fill a parental role. Maybe it’s naive, but, so far it’s working. Hopefully we can navigate through this without too much difficulty.

Relationships

This is much more difficult than I thought it would be. I have realised that now, rather than just being “Téa”, I have become “Téa, the mother”. I have absolutely no problem with it, but it’s a weird thing to grasp – that there are people who would ordinarily want a relationship with me, but see me as a no-go zone because of my responsibilities as a parent.

I had the benefit of a special relationship for the last 3 months. I have learned what is possible. He is an extraordinary person, with a kind heart and a great mind – we just clicked. Unfortunately all the complicatedness got in the way and it sucks and it has now ended. And in many ways I mourn this loss more than my marriage because of the connection we have. But, people come into our lives for varying reasons, and sometimes even the best things just aren’t meant to be – because the timing is all wrong. Maybe we’ll reconnect, who knows… and it’s way too early to be philosophical about it ending. Because I’m not happy about it. But I have also learned a lot about what I am looking for, what I need, and how not to fuck it up next time.

Work

The stress of self employment has been one of those relentless pains in the arse that I accepted as a natural part of things… until an opportunity for a full time job landed in my lap and I reconsidered. Being the non-custodial parent now allows me to return to work outside of the house… and it took that offer to make things open up to me that I hadn’t previously considered. So, even though I am still letting the business simmer along, I am also now taking on a contract role at a University.

I am also taking a first year Psych unit to see if I might like to progress into Behavioural Neuroscience for my Clin Psych. It’s something I have always been interested in so I am going to give it a go… being at a loss since deciding not to pursue Medical School. So, who knows, I may end up a Psychologist if I like it :)

Setting up house

I love my new house. I have finally gotten it to a place where I have everything I need, and genuinely enjoy hanging out here. As an introvert, my home environment is very important to me, so I prioritised it and it is looking good. I have a place to relax and hang out.

Given where I was a few months ago, I feel ready to face the next phase. I plan on being alone for a while, assuming this breakup is for keeps (I am still in the “it’s just a misunderstanding surely” phase, but that’ll pass!), and try to find a routine that does not depend on other people being around. So, onwards and upwards, I guess…?

So, when *is* it going to be ok?

by admin on November 22, 2010 in Uncategorized with No comments

I think I have reached that thing they call a “nervous breakdown”. I have heard of these things before… it was something that was whispered between family members about that neighbour who went away, or about that work colleague that took a lot of time off. I never really knew what it meant… I mean, it’s not the clinical name, that’s for sure.

I know now that it’s a colloquialism or a euphemism for depression or a psychotic episode. Wikipedia totally told me that.

But, that’s not how I feel. I’ve dealt with depression before. It’s chemical. I wouldn’t say I am plunging into a depression, per se… nor would I say that I was having any sort of Psychotic break or panic attack. This really is just… my body shutting down after unrelenting, unnatural, external pressure. Yes, it’s depression technically, but it is 100% external.

I’m just… completely and utterly defeated by my life. Not in a way that I would do anything silly like hurt myself, or not in a way that is dramatic in any way. I am just… defeated. Worn out. Done even trying to be optimistic about things because every time I think that things are getting better, they just end up getting a whole lot worse, and I just have nothing left.

Part of it is physiological – I have been surviving on stress hormones and putting my adrenals into overdrive for 2 years straight. They were already broken… and then, END ON END, I had:

  • PTSD from my near death & sepsis
  • a business struggling with the GFC
  • a premature baby
  • a husband that was injured at work
  • health problems
  • ADHD/BDD diagnoses, that are turning out bigger than I had realised
  • nursing my grandmother through her brain tumour & subsequent death
  • a separation that is leading to divorce
  • a part time parent to my children
  • unrelenting financial stress to the point where I worry where the next week’s rent is coming from.

Last Friday afternoon, after 3 years of surviving, I split into a million little pieces. I split into a million little pieces and for the first time ever… even when I have nearly died, been sexually assaulted, been screamed at, been abused, all my life been witness to horrors & experienced things that one person should not… this time, I can’t seem to be able to put myself back together. I mean, I have to just pick up and move on, but, my head is just not in a good place right now. And my body has completely shut down.

I am an optimist. An unfailing one, to the point where I see the best in people even when they are trying to take advantage of me. Hell, I managed to find the funny side of cancer. When all of these things struck, I tried to see an upside. I made jokes, I said “hang in there”, I gave myself daily pep talks that no one person could have constant bad luck and that eventually it would change. I just got on with it, did the best I could, and… to quote Dory… just kept swimming.

My whole life, I’d keep swimming. Then I’d get tired and just be treading water. And then, out of nowhere, an arsehole on a jetski would come and run me over and I would have to start all over again. And now, I feel I just can’t be arsed even treading water anymore, because I have suddenly realised…

This is it.

I am not born of good fortune. I am not one of the “lucky” people, with parents and resources and good health. I am just meant to work my guts out. For the rest of my life. For nothing. I now realise that life is just one disappointment after the other and… for an idealist (INFP) like me… the worst possible thing to happen is for us to get jaded.

And boy, am I jaded.

So yes, I am having a breakdown. It may not look like it, because I have no choice but to continue working ridiculous hours for no money so that I have a roof over my head. but, rest assured, I am simmering under the surface. I cry a lot. I am locking myself away a lot. I am not taking very good care of myself. I am emotionally and physically very, very fragile and I am not quite sure of anything right now. I really just want to lay in my bed for a month and let the world pass.

But, I can’t. Because if I don’t get this week’s work done, I can’t pay my rent. My finances are down to the bone and I am literally hanging on, waiting for the next invoice at the moment. I have zero resources. No line of credit, nothing. I am literally starting from scratch.

But, I work harder than anyone else I know.

I work hard all the time. Non stop. For what feels like nothing most of the time. And I am broken. More broken than I think I have ever, ever been. And I’ll be honest, I am not quite sure how I am going to get back. There are some good things in my life, like my friends, my children and my current relationship, but right now, I need some time. I am having trouble coping with everyday stresses and I just need people, particularly clients or those that need something from me, to just back the fuck off. Because I really am worried about myself right now. I can’t be anyone else’s emotional prop. I am not used to having no control, being 100% subjected to external stressors all the time. It’s just not fair, but somehow I need to find a way to pull it together.

So, if I was able to articulate what I need… I just need hugs. And for people to be more understanding of the fact that I am working ridiculously long days and if I don’t get your shit done, it’s because I need money for RENT. Like, right now. So if I don’t reply to your email or phone call… that’s why. I just need to be left alone, to earn some money to take the stress off… to regroup, to see the people I *want* to see and to just try and get myself together… even if it is just with glue for the time being.

I am not OK. Not right now, I am not OK. But, I will be, if I can just have some time to reduce my stress, simplify my life and try to find some peace with everything I have been through. I am 31 years old and have been through just about everything anyone can in that time. And I have finally cracked. But, I am trying my very best and all I ask is that I allowed to be the one that needs something from others. For once.

Acceptance.

by admin on November 18, 2010 in Health, Introspectives, Relationships with No comments

I have had to do a lot of thinking lately. Some reflections have been conscious and voluntary, others have been somewhat forced on me… but this really is a time of major growth and personal reflection and I am at a real turning point in my life… where I really am aware that decisions I make now will impact the rest of my life.

It took some time to end my marriage, primarily because I thought I was the broken one. That somehow if I tried harder, that somehow if I just worked longer hours and poured all I had into things, tried to modify myself to fit… that I could somehow force it. The assumption that the way I felt was all about my attitude and laziness and was somehow my fault and was even fixable was a naive view, but still, I held it. That the failure of my marriage was my fault.

I tried really hard. Both of us tried really, really hard and both of us are good people who just worked too hard at something that was simply a matter of incompatibility. I didn’t cheat. He didn’t cheat. Nothing happened. In fact, it was the day I said, out loud, that I wasn’t happy and we needed to separate, calmly, that I knew that this was for real. It took me a long time, after 2 years of relentless, clusterfuck-style life-shock after epic life-shock that I came out the other side and realised that I was a different person.

I am on my own for the first time in my life. The first time in my life. I lived alone for about 8 months when Jason and I broke up in 2000, and I dated, and lived alone, but for the first time ever, I am truly on my own. And by this, I mean, responsible for myself with no-one to back me up or bail me out.

It’s scary.

And it’s weird.

Because I realised, with a fairly crushing and overwhelming force, that I have some pretty significant deficits as a functioning adult. I am injury prone, reckless and forgetful and I had absolutely no idea to what extent that was till I actually had to live with consequences, and without someone in the background, constantly making sure that I remembered things, or reminded me when I was being reckless, or could remind me of the time (I have no concept of time). In the few weeks I have been out on my own, I have cut myself, bruised myself, locked myself out of my house, lost my temper from mess, lost my temper from workload & juggling… and you get the idea.

I have always been so vocal about my independence… how I am A type. How I am a “high achiever”, how I can do it all, etc etc. And now, I realise that no-one can truly do it all without someone in the background making sure that it happens. There is no such thing as a self-made person.

I have ADHD. I have gone through a crapload of testing. I have gone through a crapload of medication trial and error. I have crippling autoimmune disease and a suspected blood clotting disorder. My autoimmune disease has some symptoms similar to MS, especially around cognitive function and clumsiness. I used to be a functioning person. Used to be an athlete. Used to… well… used to do a lot of things.

The ADHD stuff really is an umbrella for so much in my life and I have realised that I am not coping well with the everyday pressures of being on my own. Jason used to do things like plug my phone in to make it was charged. He would make sure I had my car keys or the house keys. He would make sure I remembered to set alarms, take medications. He would walk in at 11pm and tell me the time so I knew. He would clean up after the kids so that I wouldn’t be stressed out about disorganisation when I am already struggling to pay attention. I quite literally had a little fairy that would follow me around to make sure I didn’t kill myself.

I didn’t realise I even had these deficits in functioning until I was on my own and had to take full responsibility for my own life. My phone is never charged, I forget to set my alarm, or I accidentally leave my phone on silent when I set it. I am easily sitting up till 5 & 6am, with no concept about the passage of time. I am good at getting my work done, of course, but I am still in some ways struggling with the overwhelming amount of small bullshit tasks I didn’t even realise… I was being propped up.

That 8 months where I lived alone? I had a bad flu, fell asleep on my lounge room floor in front of the heater and my blanket caught fire. I lost 3 wallets and locked myself out twice. And tonight, I rang my ex and I told him that I acknowledge and appreciate the “fairy godmother” role he played without me even knowing. I also made it clear that it didn’t mean I was going back, but a mere acknowledgement that I understand.

So now, I have to put strategies in place to overcome these things. I have an ADHD diagnosis. I have health problems that prelude me from being able to be this A type person I always thought I was… so I need to come to a point of acceptance and say “hey, this is what I need to do to function”. I also need to stop seeing my ADHD issues, and my physical limitations of “becoming crippled” as a failure.

They aren’t failures, per se. They are facts of life that I need to acknowledge and work with. I need to take drugs for the rest of my life. There is no way around it. There is no point getting upset about it because it WILL NOT CHANGE. I will never be able to run a marathon or swim to Rottnest. I will never be able to go to Medical School and I need to accept it as a fact and let go. I will never be able to fully cope with the structures of the world around me because of the way I process information.

I need to accept that I am a good person. I am not a failure and my marriage ending was no-one’s fault.

I will need to accept that I cannot do it alone.

I will need to accept that I need to put strategies in place to help me achieve the things that “normal” people take for granted.

I will need to accept that I am a human being, not a robot. And that if I continue to push myself to my limits, I will die a premature, painful death.

I will need to accept that I need to be more controlled and rigid in the activities I choose. I need to learn to manage my time and my finances more effectively.

I also need to accept that even in spite of all of these strategies, in spite of all the drugs, in spite of all my best efforts… that sometimes… I will STILL fuck up. The strategies I put in place can help it to happen less often, but I will still fuck up. And I am not a failure for it.

And I need to stop being angry about being sick. I need to stop being angry about the almost $900 a month in non-PBS medications I need to take to function. It is what it is. I can take it, or not take it, but there is not point in complaining and stressing about it. I cannot afford it, but I need to find a way to work with it. And, when I need to take 2 days off because I am unwell, despite even the best of treatments, I need to be kind to myself and not let clients bully me.

I need to learn to accept my body and work within the parameters of my disordered view of my body and appearance.

I need to be more assertive and learn to say no… even when I want to do things, or give time, or offer… I keep doing it at the expense of my health, my finances (way too much free or discounted work which is stopping), my time with my children and ultimately, my life. And it just can’t happen anymore.

So, this week, I am working on getting stuff done. Allocating time for everything. Setting alarms. Filling my Calendar to the brim, everything, even the meals I forget to eat, scheduled. In the hope that I can train myself to function and leave time in it for me to actually live rather than exist. My expenses are incredible right now and I’ll be honest, I don’t know where the future lies. Child support, medication, debts & rent alone are insane. But, rather than complaining about it, I can’t change it, so I’ll need to start rolling with it, moving to accept that I need to earn $2000 per WEEK before I even start to do anything fun… and get on with finding the best way to do it.

I will regret this.

by admin on September 15, 2010 in LOLs with No comments

I was going through my media files to cpoy over to my new NAS, and I started listening to some old stuff I had in folders. One of them is an a capella version of Lisa Loeb’s “Too Fast Driving” that I recorded in 2001. I can’t remember if I was either pregnant with Mina (heavily) or it was just after she was born, but my breathing sounds like I was heavily pregnant ;)

I like this track because at that time, I had a Celeron PC, A SoundBlaster 16 on-board soundcard, a $12 desktop microphone and some time to kill. This took me about half an hour from inspiration to final product and it makes me laugh whenever I hear it, because I believe I did this because I had an exam the next day (some things never change).

Anyway, listen to the original song first, because otherwise you won’t appreciate my arrangement skills :D It was recorded with 3 tracks of my voice & nothing else. I think I added some slight reverb to the harmony track but I can’t remember. It’s funny, though, because my voice is a lot deeper & jazzy now and I just sound so… YOUNG in this. I was a mother with that?!

So, the original, which I think you need to listen to first to appreciate the cover.

Too Fast Driving

And my cover, which yes, has its awful points but still…

Too Fast Driving (acapella)

Don’t laugh.

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