All posts tagged Work

So, when *is* it going to be ok?

by admin on November 22, 2010 in Uncategorized with No comments

I think I have reached that thing they call a “nervous breakdown”. I have heard of these things before… it was something that was whispered between family members about that neighbour who went away, or about that work colleague that took a lot of time off. I never really knew what it meant… I mean, it’s not the clinical name, that’s for sure.

I know now that it’s a colloquialism or a euphemism for depression or a psychotic episode. Wikipedia totally told me that.

But, that’s not how I feel. I’ve dealt with depression before. It’s chemical. I wouldn’t say I am plunging into a depression, per se… nor would I say that I was having any sort of Psychotic break or panic attack. This really is just… my body shutting down after unrelenting, unnatural, external pressure. Yes, it’s depression technically, but it is 100% external.

I’m just… completely and utterly defeated by my life. Not in a way that I would do anything silly like hurt myself, or not in a way that is dramatic in any way. I am just… defeated. Worn out. Done even trying to be optimistic about things because every time I think that things are getting better, they just end up getting a whole lot worse, and I just have nothing left.

Part of it is physiological – I have been surviving on stress hormones and putting my adrenals into overdrive for 2 years straight. They were already broken… and then, END ON END, I had:

  • PTSD from my near death & sepsis
  • a business struggling with the GFC
  • a premature baby
  • a husband that was injured at work
  • health problems
  • ADHD/BDD diagnoses, that are turning out bigger than I had realised
  • nursing my grandmother through her brain tumour & subsequent death
  • a separation that is leading to divorce
  • a part time parent to my children
  • unrelenting financial stress to the point where I worry where the next week’s rent is coming from.

Last Friday afternoon, after 3 years of surviving, I split into a million little pieces. I split into a million little pieces and for the first time ever… even when I have nearly died, been sexually assaulted, been screamed at, been abused, all my life been witness to horrors & experienced things that one person should not… this time, I can’t seem to be able to put myself back together. I mean, I have to just pick up and move on, but, my head is just not in a good place right now. And my body has completely shut down.

I am an optimist. An unfailing one, to the point where I see the best in people even when they are trying to take advantage of me. Hell, I managed to find the funny side of cancer. When all of these things struck, I tried to see an upside. I made jokes, I said “hang in there”, I gave myself daily pep talks that no one person could have constant bad luck and that eventually it would change. I just got on with it, did the best I could, and… to quote Dory… just kept swimming.

My whole life, I’d keep swimming. Then I’d get tired and just be treading water. And then, out of nowhere, an arsehole on a jetski would come and run me over and I would have to start all over again. And now, I feel I just can’t be arsed even treading water anymore, because I have suddenly realised…

This is it.

I am not born of good fortune. I am not one of the “lucky” people, with parents and resources and good health. I am just meant to work my guts out. For the rest of my life. For nothing. I now realise that life is just one disappointment after the other and… for an idealist (INFP) like me… the worst possible thing to happen is for us to get jaded.

And boy, am I jaded.

So yes, I am having a breakdown. It may not look like it, because I have no choice but to continue working ridiculous hours for no money so that I have a roof over my head. but, rest assured, I am simmering under the surface. I cry a lot. I am locking myself away a lot. I am not taking very good care of myself. I am emotionally and physically very, very fragile and I am not quite sure of anything right now. I really just want to lay in my bed for a month and let the world pass.

But, I can’t. Because if I don’t get this week’s work done, I can’t pay my rent. My finances are down to the bone and I am literally hanging on, waiting for the next invoice at the moment. I have zero resources. No line of credit, nothing. I am literally starting from scratch.

But, I work harder than anyone else I know.

I work hard all the time. Non stop. For what feels like nothing most of the time. And I am broken. More broken than I think I have ever, ever been. And I’ll be honest, I am not quite sure how I am going to get back. There are some good things in my life, like my friends, my children and my current relationship, but right now, I need some time. I am having trouble coping with everyday stresses and I just need people, particularly clients or those that need something from me, to just back the fuck off. Because I really am worried about myself right now. I can’t be anyone else’s emotional prop. I am not used to having no control, being 100% subjected to external stressors all the time. It’s just not fair, but somehow I need to find a way to pull it together.

So, if I was able to articulate what I need… I just need hugs. And for people to be more understanding of the fact that I am working ridiculously long days and if I don’t get your shit done, it’s because I need money for RENT. Like, right now. So if I don’t reply to your email or phone call… that’s why. I just need to be left alone, to earn some money to take the stress off… to regroup, to see the people I *want* to see and to just try and get myself together… even if it is just with glue for the time being.

I am not OK. Not right now, I am not OK. But, I will be, if I can just have some time to reduce my stress, simplify my life and try to find some peace with everything I have been through. I am 31 years old and have been through just about everything anyone can in that time. And I have finally cracked. But, I am trying my very best and all I ask is that I allowed to be the one that needs something from others. For once.

Yay 4 day work week (or whatever it is you people say).

by admin on April 5, 2010 in LOLs with No comments

I would wander into the tea room, give you a smile and say something small-talky along the lines of "oh no, another work week, but at least this is a short one", except, all I did was work all weekend. Dealing with tech support issues that aren’t even my problem. So unfortunately the niceties aren’t really coming easily today.

The Web Design business prepares you for being a Doctor in quite a few ways you wouldn’t expect… long hours, lots of "Emergencies" that aren’t actually urgent, lots of balking at bills and assuming you are "rich", lots of "c’mon, just one more free hit"… mass consumption of caffeine & Red Bull… and a lot of people acting as though you are their own personal counsellor/troubleshooter/agony aunt/whipping girl.

So I figure hey, at least if I am a Doctor I get to say what I do and actually get some respect. People go to jail for practicing Medicine without a licence.

OK, that’s not the real reason for me going to Medical School, but it sounded funny in my head :)

5 more things I wish I knew about the web design business

by admin on October 1, 2008 in Uncategorized with No comments

In my previous post, I mentioned that my list of 5 things had blown out to 10 things I wish I knew about the web design business. Well, here they are:

5. Don’t take criticism personally

All of the business advice and freelance blogs will talk about the idea of "you" being the Point of Difference when it comes to your clients. People approach LinkArtist, fundamentally, because they want me, the word about town is that I do excellent work and have a personal touch that not many other designers can replicate. My pricing is set according to people’s desire to have a site that has been designed by me. I don’t compete on price alone, and that is because I have a reputation as a designer that pours my heart and soul into my work.

But what happens when you have put all of this physical, emotional and mental energy into creating something, and the client rejects the work? Don’t take it personally. Yes, it’s really hard when you are selling yourself as the product, to distance "you" from "the work you do", but it is necessary to keep you from burning out from stress, or worse, being rude to a client and acting unprofessionally.

When a client approaches you for a project, more often than not, they want "you". Or, more specifically, they want you to help them look the way they think they should, and the unfortunate reality is that, sometimes, clients have a mental picture of what they want, and they expect us to pluck it out their head. We try our best, but, sometimes, we get it wrong, they change their mind, or whatever, and yes, it’s frustrating. But, it is also a big part of business.

So, remind yourself that yes, your business is you, your work is you, and that’s great, but criticism comes from the customer wanting a certain result – and does not mean that you are at fault. Of course, if a client if abusive, or is deliberately changing the spec of the project those are different things entirely!

6. Take risks

It is tempting to get complacent, earning the same money for doing the same things, over and over. But it is also very easy to get yourself in a rut. And even worse, get into a situation where you feel ripped off.

I recently took a very big risk. I broke up with my very first client. The person who supported me when I was nothing but an amateur designer and wannabe webmaster. The person who cheered me on when I didn’t think I could do it anymore. The person who became a very close friend. There were lots of very good reasons to stay.

I broke up with this client because even though they were ultimately very supportive and nurturing, there came a time where they were not prepared to pay beyond my entry-level rates, and were taking up more time than I could afford to grow my business. I started to grow resentful, and often felt as though my opinion didn’t count – much like that aunt that still sees you as a 10 year old: they couldn’t see that I had grown up and could no longer be bought with candy.

So, I made the risky decision to dump my highest profile and first-ever client. I was worried that I would be frozen out of the network somehow, or that I would stop booking clients. But, that didn’t happen. I took a calculated risk and it paid off for me. And, the friendship has remained intact!

I have increased my prices and billable hours 3 times in the past year. Each time I have felt it was risky and I have lost some clients because of it. But others have stayed, and I am attracting a higher level of budget than a year ago, and am building momentum.

So, even though some situations or decisions may seem risky, you need to assess what the payoff is. For me, it was actually having time with my children, or at least, if I was having time away from my children, being compensated justly for it.

7. Know when to ask for help

I have a tendency to think that, as a generalist, I can do it all.

I have also spent many a night going round and round in circles trying to figure out a solution to a problem that was then promptly fixed in 15 minutes by a programmer. I don’t do this anymore, of course, because I have learned that there are a hundred other things I could be doing with my time, and, for the sake of a few bucks, my sanity, self confidence and sleep are saved.

Start compiling lists of people you can contact when you’re stuck. I also encourage them to contact me, so it becomes a loose network of troubleshooters with particular skillsets. If you want to be on my list, email me, because I always need programmers to call on with half an hour’s notice for small jobs :)

Part of knowing when to ask for help, is also being able to identify when you aren’t coping with your load. I now let my phone go to voicemail to avoid interruptions, I do invoicing once a week (with some exceptions like deposits to commence work), and as soon as I can afford it, I will be outsourcing all of my admin. You can’t be expected to do it all AND be good at your work. It’s just not possible.

8. Don’t pretend to be bigger than you are

If you do this, people will expect certain levels of service and availability that one person just cannot provide. Even though it is tempting to talk about the "we" or big-note your "team" of people, this will come unstuck VERY quickly.

I have always tried to explain to my clients that I am small. Even though the personal touch makes for excellent service, the reality is that having to provide personal service to everyone at all times becomes overwhelming. There are many benefits to going with a freelancer over a bigger Agency, but one of the costs of that is that often, I may not answer my phone, or I may take a little longer to get those "5 minute jobs with a minutes notice" done.

Being honest about your size and your time will make your life easier in the long run, contrasted with any short term gain you may get by overselling your services and capacity.

9. Don’t befriend clients without knowing the risks

Freelancing, and especially freelancing from home, is very isolating sometimes. Despite working every day, I can go several days without actually speaking to anyone outside my family. I have plenty of friends, but because I am so busy, it is hard to fit them all in. It is inevitably those who are on Facebook, or take the time to email me, that stay in touch. It can be lonely.

Then, you get that client who is just like you. They too work at home, find it isolating, and are very chatty and personable and you have a lot in common. Your kids are similar ages and you talk about anything and everything. You don’t censor yourself. It’s all roses, the projects go well, they love you and you love them. You’re on a high, you cannot believe your luck of finding someone who finally "gets it". You go above and beyond for them, because that’s what you do with friends.

Then, there is a problem that needs to be dealt with, business to business, and it goes to shit faster than bad seafood, because you blindly went into a friendship without negotiating what it means to the client relationship. The boundaries were never negotiated, because you think "oh that person would NEVER treat me like that". And then they do. And it makes you question whether you even want to continue working in the business, and if only you’d defined some clear boundaries from the outset, and not befriended clients, it wouldn’t suck this much…

I just had a friendship and client relationship fall apart like this, so I am speaking from experience here. Tread very, very carefully when you decide to become friends with your clients. I talked about being too candid with clients in the previous post, but this one goes a step further. Be very, very aware of what can happen when a client falls out of love with you, or there is a disagreement over money, or you feel tempted to give them more than what they can afford in the name of friendship. Or, in this case, if the client starts to rely too much on you for stuff that is in their "too hard basket".

Think about friendships with clients like you would if you were going to have a pre-nuptial agreement. As hard as it is to think about, you need to consider the "what-ifs" if it goes sour.

10. Hosting just ain’t worth the effort.

If you are a web designer or developer and are tempted to sell hosting as well. DON’T DO IT. It is not worth the grief, the disruption or the small amount of money you will get. Clients will expect you to provide tech support, and this is a full time job in its own right.

Take it from someone who has been there and is currently trying to wind back from hosting… DON’T DO IT.

So, hopefully some of this list can help you with your journey, whether you are at the beginning, or partway through, like me.